Just a thought. I would probably get better, right? This might make a good 30 day challenge, a la 100 Sandwiches, but less sad and offensive.
I FINALLY put up my pole this weekend–after tons of drama with a missing top insert and a faulty X-joint, and it was kind of stupid the amount of progress I made just doing stuff over and over for an hour.
Here’s some clips of shit I was working on, including struggling into something resembling a floor handpring and patenting The Sad Juliet Spin. I probably didn’t invent it, but can I name it tho?
I was also working on chopsticks—OW OW MY RIBS–and hands free back bends (the power of Indian Burn compels you!!) but I can’t show you them because that was from practicing before my evil neighbor came home and thus I was listening to music at an audible level that got my video banned from YouTube 😐
PS. If you’re been wondering where I’ve been for like a month, I had a big show I was rehearsing my buns off for with my bellydance troupe for a show call Rakhasa (sp?). We don’t have a video of the performance yet, but here’s a teeny snippet of an early rehearsal that I’ll probably get in trouble for showing you, whooooops. I’m in the blue tank:
And here are some pictures of the show, wheee:
blocking one hour before the show… outside
…because we are GODDAMN PROFESSIONALS
Chillin’ backstage, getting nervous!
Thanks Brian Lin!
a couple of my favorite people 😀
Oh and one last thing…. does anybody get why this is funny or do I have the world’s most obscure sense of humor?
My bank constantly calls to remind me I’m poor, so I put its number under “Yo Bitch.” That way every time I see my missed calls I get a little chuckle. Anyone? Anyone?
I know you guys love your yoga. That’s okay. But yoga is kind of like pumpkin spice lattes: everybody loves yoga.
So I feel no guilt in proclaiming my hatred for it. Like Starbucks and Lululemon, it’s not going anywhere anytime soon, so my little opinion is free to exist in the blogosphere without doing much harm.
Here’s what happened (because you know there had to be extenuating circumstances for me to take a yoga class without there being a gun to my head): there was a gun held to my head.
JKKKKKKKK.
What happened was, I rode the subway an hour and a half (this was a Sunday, the R train was a nightmare) to the ballet class at my gym that I have taken every week for months, and when I walked up to the studio with my little bun and ballet slippers and water bottle, no one was there. THE CLASS WAS CANCELLED.
*shock, horror, general mayhem*
But even worse, this is not a one time thing. Ballet is just off the schedule. Forever. The class description isn’t even in the brochure anymore.
I. Was. Pissed.
I was also determined to not just get back on the subway to complete a 3 hour round trip on my motherfucking day off for nothing. So I checked the schedule for another class I could take.
The only option: yoga.
Fucking yoga.
And the class was an hour and a half.
So I mentally weighed some pros and cons of the situation.
Pro: this might be good for my back (which has been spasming like a motherfucker to the point where I had to stay home from work on Friday after a simple attempt at shaving my legs threw it out again).
Con: I hate yoga.
Pro: I was planning on stretching/flexibility work anyway…
Con: I fucking hate yoga.
Pro: It’s an hour and a half long class, which would nicely justify schlepping all the way out to Chelsea Piers.
Con: An hour and a half is a long time to be doing yoga, which I fucking hate.
Long story short, I decided to go for it. Some of it was okay–it hurt my back very badly during, but left me feeling much better on the way home–but most of it was annoying and just plain not for me.
Here were my pet peeves.
1. I got in trouble for pointing my toes
Like, okay, I get this. We’re supposed to relax, etc. But I can’t be in a shoulder stand for several minutes just looking at floppy ankles. Isn’t the whole point of this checking in with your body and being mindful of all of its parts? I tried flexing and turning out too, and the yogi called me out for that, too. RARRR. I’M BORED, AT LEAST LET ME WORK ON MY TOE AND TURNOUT GAME.
2. The breathing stuff made me a little sick
The expanding your abdomen stuff? Yeah, did not feel good. Especially when, as a belly dancer, I’ve been trained to use my chest and abdomen separately: breathing fills my chest but does not move it, or my belly, until I actively pop them. This has all been wired in my brain for eight years, so, it was both mentally AND physically very uncomfortable for me (it felt kind of gross and made me a little sick to my stomach).
3. The Ohming
This might have more to do with the fact that my instructor was an old white guy who sounded EXACTLY like the Catholic priest at my childhood church when he sang “amen.” Like, he sang it the same key and everything. Personal association, my bad.
4. The lying on the ground for an indeterminate amount of time
This is partly because I had to pee for the last 45 minutes of class, but ending like this was torturous. Okay, it was MOSTLY because I had to pee. Just as we were crossing the finish line (5:55, SO CLOSE), the silent meditation started. We were just lying there, forced to have our eyes closed, and I lost all concept of time. I could only think about how badly I had to pee. There was no indication of how long the lying in silence would last (maybe this class would run over 10 minutes, OH GOD), so I began to freak out that it was going to go on forever, and I would either have to pee myself or be the girl that got up in the middle of a silent meditation and yelled “I have to go to the bathroom!!” as she ran out.
And then I could never go to my gym ever again.
5. It’s so goddamn serious
I fell out of a couple of poses and cracked a smile, and every time, the instructor glared at me. What even is this? Also, people definitely audibly farted a few times and it was just so awkward to sit in perfect silence while it happened. Cannot take the solemnity, sorry.
Anyway, for all of my complaining I probably WILL go back, because I think it helped my back a little, and also because there was a hot guy in my class. I’m only human, people.
So how do you guys feel about yoga? Has anybody ever tried yoga pole? Because my friends just told me about it and I have a feeling it would be a vast improvement on this Hatha ish.
OH PS: new favorite pole jam. Kid Ink and Tinashe? Yes please.
1. When you get a note you don’t understand (what does “quiet collarbones” mean I should do?)
2. When you go over the hard part of a dance over and over and then mess up the easy part in a performance.
3. When your teacher says, “one more time!” for the 900th time and you’re starting not to believe her.
4. When your feet are dirty and you have to put your nice flats on.
5. When “warm ups” are code for “flexibility contest” (it’s a silent contest, but a contest nonetheless).
6. When a sequence is so fast that if you think, you just missed it.
7. When you get multiple notes at the same time and you can’t seem to do one without messing up the other (your shoulders lift when you try to straighten your knees, your feet flex when you try to keep your face soft, AHHHH MY BRAIN IS EXPLODING).
8. When a movement just doesn’t look the same on your body as it does on your teacher’s.
9. When you randomly can’t do the thing you totally did yesterday.
10. When your body just flat out won’t do something and you have little hope that it ever will. (Re: dinosaur arms.).
11. When the floor is too sticky, the pole is too cold, and nothing is working.
12. When you learn a dance in class and try to practice it home but blank out on 3/4s of it.
13. When you’re waiting in line to do something in front of the class that you’re definitely going to suck at.
14. When the teacher calls out a correction for “some people” and you look down and you’re the one who lost your turn out.
15 .When you remember to pack everything except your sports bra.
16. When you only nail it if no one’s looking and you forgot to hit “record.”
If it looks like I’m dancing through debilitating back pain in this video, it’s because LOL, I am. More on that later.
I was really into this choreo (and this SONG, mah gawd), but it’s super fast, so I sadly shit the bed with most of it. I mean, there’s only so much you can learn in 45 minutes. But I totally have this song on my ipod already and I can’t wait to practice it more when my pole is up, so, we’ll see if it gets better!
The pole tricks in this one are a fan kick, 2 gallops (variations on chair spins where you walk your legs), a juliet spin, and a “switch split” which I’d never done before–you lead with your outside leg and then kick it back as you bring your inside leg forward in one quick snap. Pretty snazzy!
Aside from that I was LOVING the locking (which I never get to do, wheeeee) and a little moonwalky-sequence. There is also some mild twerking in this video, so hide yo’ wife, hide yo kids! Again, I was dancing through some pretty intense low back pain, so, sorry if this looks a little geriatric.
Tatiana–the instructor filling in for Kelly and the choreographer for this bit–is the one in the white top, so please refer to her for how kickass this SHOULD look.
I left my 50mm at a friend’s house because his apartment is huge so he was going to let me shoot so tricks there. Buuuut we misjudged his ceiling height and have to order an extension. So, it’s chilling there because I am not paying for another $20 cab ride to get it home again.
Meanwhile, I finally got around to putting together my new 45mm this weekend (WHEEEE) and discovered it’s missing the connecting insert for the top dome.
I am currently making this face: 😐
Anyway, let’s talk about people I’m stalking on social media right now.
First, THIS GUY.
You may remember Paul his earlier work: playing the clarinet on the pole:
He also plays sax.
Just, the whole concept of casually playing a musical instrument on a pole? Love it. It’s also awesome when people are funny, but also obviously very skilled.
And then there’s THIS girl, who I saw on Huffpo (I typed just “Huffpoo–Freudian slip?!) and then immediately watched all of her videos on YouTube.
At first glance, she just has amazing things to say about being a woman/girl but then LOW AND BEHOLD: my Spidey/Poler sense started tingling and there it is: homegirl has a pole in her house.
Because duh, articulate, hilarious, sexy chicas know what’s up with pole and aerials. Are you really surprised?
Anyway, because I physically can’t pole right now, the universe is being a dick and trolling me with all the excellent pole music. So I’ll just dump another song here:
PS. Got my remi sit from a sweet new knee hold combo we did in class the other day–CANNOT wait to show you guys.
You cannot deny the strength of Hedwig’s eyeshadow game.
When I was 16 or 17, my family had DirecTV, which meant we had the IFC channel.
Being artsy fartsy even then, I watched a lot of IFC, even though, being extremely sheltered and Roman Catholic, I usually had no idea what the hell was going on in most of these movies about sex, drugs, and occasionally, rock and roll.
One night, I was flipping channels, and I saw this: one sweaty man in extremely low slung leather pants singing to another sweaty man in extremely low slung leather shorts.
I kept watching.
(Obviously.)
(Because abs.)
(And also, like, emotional depth and stuff.)
By the end of the scene, I felt… heartbroken. I may have had tears in my eyes. And mind you, I still had no idea what was even going on in this movie or who these characters were. That’s how powerful the scene was.
Go ahead and watch this. I’ll wait. And yes, that is Michael Pitt.
I stalked IFC for several weeks after that, always catching the movie at a different time, always hearing a different song and seeing a different scene. I never knew what I was watching, but it was always the most unique thing I had ever seen on screen at that point in my life.
Oh god it’s so beautiful.
My sister bought me the DVD for Christmas, and my parents begrudgingly got me the piano book (though my mom very clearly did not get the whole concept of a guy wearing a wig and did not like it. Her stance on this show is the same as with poling: “Well, whatever makes you happy, Cathryn).
I taught myself to play the ballads and sang along to them as my rebellion. Yeah, I know. I was a really good kid.
It wasn’t until college, when I did my final project for a musical theater class on Hedwig and the Angry Inch that I even realized that Hedwig was an Off-Broadway show before it was a movie
So imagine my pee-your-pants excitement then, when I found out–while living in New York City, as I had always dreamed of as an artsy fartsy 16-year old–that Hedwig was coming to Broadway as a revival.
Also, imagine my hatred for Neil Patrick Harris, celebrity alone was hiking up ticket prices and selling out the show for months.
Fuck you, NPH. (JK, you’re so talented!)
FINALLY, he threw deuces, and Andrew Rannells rolled up. At long last, I got to see this show.
Hey Andrew, thanks for the super creepy photo I took of you without your permission! Sooooorry.
I won’t bother trying to describe what finally seeing all these songs I knew by heart performed live, but, it was great. And it ALSO reminded me how much I love this one song “The Long Grift” that is in the show, but was cut from the movie. (…which I was able to find anyway at age 16 because I had excellent Kazaa skills).
It’s Hedwig’s song: it’s a sad ballad about getting abandoned by Tommy Gnosis. But in the stage show, Hedwig’s too distressed to actually sing it. Yitzahk grabs the microphone at the last minute as the opening chords wind down into the first verse: “Look what you’ve done.”
Obviously, being who I am now, my first thought was, MY GOD, I HAVE TO POLE TO THIS. Even sitting in a darkened theater watching a live Broadway show. I know, there’s no hope for me.
So, I’ll just leave this here… (in a link too, in case the embed code doesn’t work, which I suspect it won’t).
Oh and here’s me and my sister after the show with FOUR autographs, including Andrew Rannells and Lena Hall (who’s the killer voice on “Grift.” Mission fucking accomplished and then some.
Hedwig reminding us to Never Forget on our ride home.
Today in Things Everybody But Me Probably Knows About: PoleFreaks.com has routines (with breakdowns!) that you can download for free after signing up for their newsletter. This is a pretty awesome alternative to pole choreo classes that many people might not have access to. It’s super fun to work on a routine at home, if you have a pole. And most of the moves appear to be beginner level, at first glance. Get on that!
They also have workouts that cost a small amount ($3.99) which is something I might look into when my class cards run out and Christmas shopping has got me hella poor.
Sorry if this came off as an advertisement–I genuinely just found out this existed and thought it seemed like an awesome resource. The blog looks interesting too!
Anyway, I know I’m being really naughty about writing pole posts, so here’s a party favor for stopping by:
SONGS I AM CURRENTLY DESPERATE TO POLE TO:
Again, this is kinda-sorta a half ass attempt at blog hopping. I need to get on that…
1. TeeFLii feat. 2 Chainz, 24 Hours
This is sexy, but upbeat enough to keep me choosing the cute creative moves over endless hairflips and body rolls.
2. James Blake, Retrograde
I saw one of my (belly dance) teachers perform to this recently and it actually brought tears to my eyes. Understated but gorgeous song.
3. Tinashe, 2 On
Yes this is all over the radio, but it’s so. fucking. smooth.
4. Jeremih, All the Time
Another one all over the radio, and yes, it’s filthy. Sorry. This is a good rolling on the floor jam.
5. Misery, Maroon 5
Okay clearly this one is as old as the hills, but it popped up on my ipod the other day and I realized it would be for some really dynamic, story-telling choreo.
OMG and one last thing–can we talk talk about Nicki Minaj’s chair choreo at the VMAs? I know everybody was all about Beyonce, but I’m way more into the moves from the Anaconda set. She was CRISP LIKE CELERY on those tick-tocks. Love it.
Here’s the video a couple of scrolls down on Jezebel because Amtrak thinks MTV.com will be porn.
So I was complaining to my guy friend about guys who post dic pics as their profile pics on Tinder.
I mean… it’s not cool. You’re swiping away, expecting to see faces, and then, oh hey, it’s a penis.
Not.
Cool.
I wasn’t ready to see that, ya know?
So anyway, he said I should swipe yes and then send them this song, and I. Am. Dead.
Isn’t that cute, an extra belly button! You need to put your pants back on, honey.
So anyway, I’ve been wicked sick (bronchitis, holla!) and thus woefully long off the pole.
But… I may have gotten myself an early birthday present of a 45mm X-Pole!!! WHEEEEE.
I’ve just started learning really shitty, ugly handsprings with one hand on the floor (!!!!!), so I’m really excited to work on them at home with this thing. Cause we all know 45=MUCH GRIP, SO EASE, wow.
Pole stuff aside, how’s everybody’s summer going? I finally did my first truly summery thing of the year by hitting up Coney Island (yes, I skipped class and I felt very guilty about it) and it was awesome. They have a new roller coaster!
I’m the one waving my arms in the back row like a crazy person. Hey if it’s your time to go, you might as well GO, you know?
I also tried one called the Soarin’ Eagle that you LAY ON YOUR STOMACH on. Horrifying stuff. Here’s some snaps!
Footnote: My older sister had The Score back when it came out on CD and I remember listening to it (at age 10) and thinking I was going to learn everything I needed to know about being cool from playing it over and over.
At age… 24? 25? I found Leigh Ann on YouTube after seeing some pole dancing in a movie and searching–ingeniously–“pole dancing.” I completely fell in love with her movement and believed I could learn everything there was to know about being graceful and sexy by playing her videos over and over.
It’s that time again!!! A time when a movie that I added to my Netflix queue months ago (okay, more than a YEAR) ago, has finally arrived at my doorstep–long after I remember why I wanted to see it in the first place.
Yesterday, after several minutes of head scratching, I realized that I put Closer (which should be called “The Blower’s Daughter” due to serious abuse of that Damien Rice song) on my “must watch” list almost two years ago because I thought there would be some pole dancing in it. And I LOVES me some pole dance in mainstream movies. Even if I have to watch Lindsay Lohan act to get it.
So I guess what happened was, a lot of white boys wanted to see Natalie Portman’s ass, because I didn’t get this movie for a very long time. And though her ass was indeed formidable, Natalie’s pole debut left a bit to be desired (mainly in screen time).
Here we go:
MOVIES WITH POLE: VOLUME 2
Film:Closer
Star: Natalie Portman
Overall Movie Quality: You will probably find this movie very deep and intriguing, if you are a white man. If you are a woman, you may wonder why the female characters are thinly sketched objects almost entirely defined by their level of possession by the undesirable creeps that the plot centers around. (<end feminist rant>).
I would basically sum this film up as a catalog of pointless, first-world, self-created emotional pain that had me yelling WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT TO NATALIE PORTMAN, JUDE LAW at my laptop. Julia Roberts is drop dead though. Truth.
BAM. Points for flexibility, NP!
Dance Skills: (Out of 10): For the Famous Miss Portman, a 7 for pole technique, and a 4 for sensual movement. I’m going to be honest with you, there’s very small ratio of “pole time” to “Natalie Portman in a thong” time in this movie, which saddened me. (I’m probably the only person who had that reaction). She looked a little fast on the walk/transitions, but executed a clean back hook spin and a lovely half pirouette in her very limited pole time. Which was exactly all they showed. MOAR, Closer, I WANT MOAR.
Highlights: One of the background dancers does an inverted crucifix while another chick gracefully (but uncreatively) choppers and then… just… comes back down out of it. Womp womp. Oh, but Natalie Portman does something damn near close to a center split. Get it girl.
Lowlights: Natalie’s “dancing” scenes don’t involve much dancing, in lieu of walking around and bending over. Which is disappointing, because judging by her perfect technique on the spin/pirouette, she can CLEARLY be taught to pole.
Reality check: No breaches of reality here–the pole setups and costumes all seem to allow for proper poling. I do have a questions about whether a stripper can just flat out display her labia in a club, but, that’s a whole ‘nother issue, and not my area of expertise.
So how much of this was editing?: The movie does a lot of close ups on Natalie’s face for the dancing, then only gives us a full body angle for a single spin (the back hook)–which tells me she didn’t get much in the way of transition/floorwork instruction. Seeing as she learned fucking BALLET for Black Swan, I’m very disappointed in the wasted potential here. I think she would be an epic pole dancer.
My takeaway: I’m very curious about what Natalie’s full routine looked like before it was edited for the film. I did a little digging and found that a UK-based dancer and choreographer, Dana Mayer, choreo’d and taught her the routine, which was a month long process. Natalie had this to say about learning to pole in an interview with contactmusic.com (a UK-based site whose reputability I’m not entirely sure of): “It was much, much more difficult than I expected. It was really, really intense. It takes a lot of upper body strength. You just watch it and it’s so sexy and you forget about all the strength and skill it takes.”
Yay! If you actually said that Natalie, thanks for the props!
Did you guys see this movie? Want to weigh in? Have any suggestions for movies to add to my queue? I think next stop on this tour is going to be The Bling Ring, because it’s already at my house.
OH, one final takeaway from this film, polewise: this grunge-lite song, which plays during NP’s first scene in the club. It is soundly dope. Enjoy!
The Spin Diaries: Your Guide to Everything Pole and Aerial 