So I tried yoga again and it still sucks.

Warning: UNPOPULAR OPINION AHEAD.

I know you guys love your yoga. That’s okay. But yoga is kind of like pumpkin spice lattes: everybody loves yoga.

So I feel no guilt in proclaiming my hatred for it. Like Starbucks and Lululemon, it’s not going anywhere anytime soon, so my little opinion is free to exist in the blogosphere without doing much harm.

Here’s what happened (because you know there had to be extenuating circumstances for me to take a yoga class without there being a gun to my head): there was a gun held to my head.

JKKKKKKKK.

What happened was, I rode the subway an hour and a half (this was a Sunday, the R train was a nightmare) to the ballet class at my gym that I have taken every week for months, and when I walked up to the studio with my little bun and ballet slippers and water bottle, no one was there. THE CLASS WAS CANCELLED.

*shock, horror, general mayhem*

But even worse, this is not a one time thing. Ballet is just off the schedule. Forever. The class description isn’t even in the brochure anymore.

I. Was. Pissed.

I was also determined to not just get back on the subway to complete a 3 hour round trip on my motherfucking day off for nothing. So I checked the schedule for another class I could take.

The only option: yoga.

Fucking yoga.

And the class was an hour and a half.

So I mentally weighed some pros and cons of the situation.

Pro: this might be good for my back (which has been spasming like a motherfucker to the point where I had to stay home from work on Friday after a simple attempt at shaving my legs threw it out again).

Con: I hate yoga.

Pro: I was planning on stretching/flexibility work anyway…

Con: I fucking hate yoga.

Pro: It’s an hour and a half long class, which would nicely justify schlepping all the way out to Chelsea Piers.

Con: An hour and a half is a long time to be doing yoga, which I fucking hate.

Long story short, I decided to go for it. Some of it was okay–it hurt my back very badly during, but left me feeling much better on the way home–but most of it was annoying and just plain not for me.

Here were my pet peeves.

1. I got in trouble for pointing my toes

Like, okay, I get this. We’re supposed to relax, etc. But I can’t be in a shoulder stand for several minutes just looking at floppy ankles. Isn’t the whole point of this checking in with your body and being mindful of all of its parts? I tried flexing and turning out too, and the yogi called me out for that, too. RARRR. I’M BORED, AT LEAST LET ME WORK ON MY TOE AND TURNOUT GAME.

2. The breathing stuff made me a little sick

The expanding your abdomen stuff? Yeah, did not feel good. Especially when, as a belly dancer, I’ve been trained to use my chest and abdomen separately: breathing fills my chest but does not move it, or my belly, until I actively pop them. This has all been wired in my brain for eight years, so, it was both mentally AND physically very uncomfortable for me (it felt kind of gross and made me a little sick to my stomach).

3. The Ohming

This might have more to do with the fact that my instructor was an old white guy who sounded EXACTLY like the Catholic priest at my childhood church when he sang “amen.” Like, he sang it the same key and everything. Personal association, my bad.

4. The lying on the ground for an indeterminate amount of time

This is partly because I had to pee for the last 45 minutes of class, but ending like this was torturous. Okay, it was MOSTLY because I had to pee. Just as we were crossing the finish line (5:55, SO CLOSE), the silent meditation started. We were just lying there, forced to have our eyes closed, and I lost all concept of time. I could only think about how badly I had to pee. There was no indication of how long the lying in silence would last (maybe this class would run over 10 minutes, OH GOD), so I began to freak out that it was going to go on forever, and I would either have to pee myself or be the girl that got up in the middle of a silent meditation and yelled “I have to go to the bathroom!!” as she ran out.

And then I could never go to my gym ever again.

5. It’s so goddamn serious

I fell out of a couple of poses and cracked a smile, and every time, the instructor glared at me. What even is this? Also, people definitely audibly farted a few times and it was just so awkward to sit in perfect silence while it happened. Cannot take the solemnity, sorry.

Anyway, for all of my complaining I probably WILL go back, because I think it helped my back a little, and also because there was a hot guy in my class. I’m only human, people.

So how do you guys feel about yoga? Has anybody ever tried yoga pole? Because my friends just told me about it and I have a feeling it would be a vast improvement on this Hatha ish.

OH PS: new favorite pole jam. Kid Ink and Tinashe? Yes please.