He took me to urgent care on Christmas Eve when my ear exploded. He also fearlessly looked into its yucky, green depths to report what was happening. (Warning: this video is gross).
Sometimes he sneakily meditates while I’m in the shower, but he always answers my questions. (Shouted from the bathroom: “Babe can you check if the milk is still good?”)
His answer:
“Milk is good.”
Bae wants to learn to swim. He doesn’t know how, and as an adult, he’s made the gutsy move of taking swimming lessons. I’m a lifeguard so I was all, I’ll teach you to swim! And he was all, “I’m serious about this, it’s not your problem!”
He took his first lesson. And you guys, the teacher told him he’s too top-heavy to float.
…
…
.
Obviously, I flipped out. We started our own lessons. Bae does indeed suck at floating, but we worked on it. A week later, I walked into the pool at our gym after work and saw this: him swimming with a pull buoy.
Sorry Michael, you’re just too top heavy.
Two weeks later he’s swimming without any assistance, and his teacher (who maintained that he simply could not be taught to swim up till the third lesson) is amazed at his progress and moved him up to level 2. Bae now practices on his own more than I hit the pole studio, and loves being in the water.
What’s the secret sauce? I don’t know. But I’ll tell you one thing, I didn’t tell him he couldn’t be taught.
Who does that???
Now don’t get me wrong: certain body types are better suited to some sports than other. I have big hips and trust… it takes a lot to get them up over my head on the pole, for instance.
But a teacher DOES NOT…. let’s say it again, DOES NOT try and pass their bad teaching off on a person’s body type. That shit is uncalled for.
First of all… have you seen Michael Phelps? I rest my case.
Second of all, maybe try another approach? On the pole, if somebody can’t spin yet, how about dips? If they can’t dip yet, let’s work on walking. With swimming especially, there are so many tools available to get someone moving in the water, whatever they need assistance with. Flippers, pull buoys, kick boards, you name it. A teacher’s lack of imagination or problem solving skills should never be dumped on a student like that.
Have you guys ever had an experience like this? Did you speak up, or work on your skills on your own? Did it turn you off to a sport or skill altogether?
I hope not, but if so please help me bitch about it.
Some spacing issues buuuuut, not bad for how nervous we were! 😀
Really excited for the next show because our new choreo is inspired by the gang (lite) movie The Warriors, and our custom is basically tribal fusion street wear (re: black pants and BASEBALL CAPS, wheeeee). Of course I was thrilled about this because it’s just the excuse I needed to own snapback… which I immediately bought from a street vendor two blocks away from the studio on the way home from rehearsal. THAT IS HOW EXCITED I WAS TO BUY A SNAPBACK.
It feels really good to finally own some Brooklyn swag because I’ve earned it. This fall marks my 8th anniversary in BK… and I have yet to live in Williamsburg, Prospect Park, or Park Slope! (So far it’s been Bed Stuy (2 places), Clinton Hill, Fort Greene (but like, the bad side of Myrtle), Sunset Park/Borough Park (where I famously got groped), and finally, Bay Ridge).
Oh, this is off topic, but ALSO on my home last night (after my snapback purchase) I saw this severely-injured looking mannequin at a TopShop in Soho. Like, what happened here?
It’s not 1994 anymore, why are we still seeing Skeletors in store windows? Just saying.
I don’t know about you guys, but I really can’t afford their normal $40/1.5 hour class rate, so I am ALL OVER IT.
Also, out of towners–they do “staycation” packages where you can train as much as you want during a weeklong visit, and THAT is on sale too. Worth looking into!
Nothing is a better incentive for me to get into the studio, personally, than the prospect of sitting in my hot apartment all Saturday.
Morning is fine, and evening will probably be spent gallivanting about in sundress, but that stretch from 12pm to 3pm is brutal, oppressive, and more often than not, totally squandered.
Which makes it PERFECT pole time.
I hit the studio for the first time in a very long time this weekend. Not that I haven’t been on the pole–I have! For several hours every week, actually, but teaching the same 5 or 6 moves to bachelorettes every class.
That means blistered hands and pole burn out, but very little headway on new skills or strength. I like to tell myself that all pole time is good pole time, but, that’s not exactly true… judging from my greatly diminished ability to invert and climb. Whoops.
Case in point: I took a Level 1 class at body and pole (with the fabulous Shaina) and it KICKED MY ASS. A Level 1. And like, kicked my ass to an embarrassing extent.
Here’s a couple of practice vids I shot after the hour and and a half sweat fest (disclaimer: summer is only a good time for pole if the AC is full functioning), which include a spin combo (dip into a pirouette with a bit of a fan-kick leg into a one-handed backhook) and a carousel-kick climb/fan-kick/thigh grip combo that DESTROYED me.
Sorry for all the hyphens, but wow, I was loving the complexity. Shaina does such a great job of giving everyone options to embellish according to skill level, and it makes for a lot of fun experimenting, and never-ending opportunities to push yourself.
How’s the summer poling coming for everyone else? Are we all seriously dipping into the dry hands? (I just bought 2 new bottles).
I told y’all that I was teaching again, but Jesus, even I didn’t know I was going to be TEACHING. Like, anywhere between an hour and 5 every single night this week.
When I first started out, I came on the scene like THIS:
Now though, I have blisters on my palms, bruises on my knees, and large sections of the balls of my feet peeling off and I feel kinda like Lili Von Shtupp from Blazing Saddles:
And speaking of showers, between morning, lunch time gym sessions, and post-class detox, I’m up to 3 a day. Eep. Pole is truly a lifestyle.
Anyway, since I’m too tired to think critically about anything I’m doing right now, so here’s an awesome trailer for a documentary someone’s making about a ballerina who crosses over to pole. It looks really, really interesting (of course I’m biased).
This just reinforces my belief that a background in ballet or concurrent training is a perfect companion to pole. I mean… D’ose lines. I’ll never forget the first time I stepped into Shaina Cruea’s class at B&P and immediately just KNEW that she did ballet, just from the warm up. Her extension and toe point game is off the charts, and it makes her movement absolutely ethereal. (But in case you were wondering, she’s one of the kindest, most encouraging, lovely teachers I’ve had–not anywhere near as intimidating as her dancing 😉 )
How’s everybody? Are we all just playing hooky from the studio to go on picnics, etc? I am loving the extended Spring we’re getting in NYC, so much better than the Frigid=>Balls Hot jump we usually make from April to May.
Okay, BRB, teaching 4:30 to 10:30 today. Eeeeeeeep.
Okay, so, I was learning this routine in a pole choreo class that was… to be frank, way the hell outta my comfort zone.
It was what I would categorize as modern… ish, maybe with some hip hop influences (guessing here because these are both forms of dance I have never taken classes in). The shapes were angular and purposefully a little awkward, baby-giraffe style. The movements were jerky and syncopated. There were BENT ELBOWS, you guys. That’s a serious shock to my inner belly dancer. Actually I’m hearing my teacher schreech “SOFT ELBOWS” right now. You mean, you bend your elbows on purpose? I don’t understand?
So anyway, I tried my usual tricks to make things look pretty (graceful, light arms, sweeping limbs), but, with the sharp choreography, I just looked sluggish.
At one point during class, still not looking like the instructor no matter how hard I tried, I began to channel my rage at an innocent blonde dancer who was dancing her heart out at the front of the class. She was whipping her hair around and throwing elbows and wrenching her back, and I was just overwhelmed by the need to punch her in the face.
Listen, I’m a bad person, I know.
But, right in the face. That’s real.
Anyway, I thought about the routine for a long time after class. The steps were so foreign to me (and I sucked so thoroughly at them) that I became obsessed with cracking the code. Why does that look cool and purposeful when the instructor does it, and why does it just look like a confused, hot mess on me?
I searched our song to see if someone posted our choreo (with the terms “Dark Horse,” (the song by Katy Perry) and “pole”) and here’s what I got:
Okay, so, first impression: oh yeah, that is not my class.
Second impression: MEEEEHHHHHHHHHHH.
Not to disparage the dancers–this is very well danced! This is standard pole choero too, I guess.
But… this is everything I already know. Hip pops? Hair whips? Yeah, I’m bored with this.
So that’s when the light bulb went off: I really want to do something fresh.
And that’s only going happen if I try things that feel uncomfortable.
I’m going to have to push through my resistance to learning new things. Because that’s what it comes down to, right? WHY AM I NOT INSTANTLY GOOD AT THIS, RABBLE RABBLE, I HATE IT!!!11!!!
I’ve made a point of going back to that teacher’s class, same time every. She’s got shit to teach me. I wanna learn.
Anyway, here’ s a video one of our classmates took (on the night I cried on the way to class btw, SO META) of a new routine, (post “Dark Horse.”) It’s ROUGH and a little awkward looking, but, hey, it’s a Brand New Style, mang! I’m digging it.
There’s nothing serious going on, just a rough project at work involving a skill that feels obtuse and unwieldy to me, and makes me feel like a helpless idiot. Which, PS, is the easiest way to make me cry. (The repressed memories of trying to learn fractions is flooding back. Sobbing over my math homework at the dining room table… ugh).
I mean, I know a little HTML (just as I would say I know a little french), but this project, in which I must code, is akin to being given a book in French and instructed to only choose only very specific excerpts of it (in French) and replace them with other very specific excerpts in (French), which I can only do by consulting my French-to-English dictionary every 15 seconds while trying not to forget what I was doing. And also, if I mess up a single backslash, the book doesn’t work, and the whole thing becomes a sidebar. In German.
There’s really not point to telling you any of this, except for the following takeaways–and kind of as response to Kim’s piece about pushing yourself to the point of throwing up, which I have never done because EWWWWW WHYYYYY:
1. It’s good to practice commitment.
Commitment means sometimes doing things you don’t feel like doing, or despite a poor physical or emotional state. I don’t recommend working out when you’re sick, or even ignoring your feelings; I definitely adjusted expectations for my performance in class, because I knew I was feeling crappy. But I went to class. And I ended up having a blast. (But even if I didn’t, I would still tell you to go, because polers pole. They pole, because that’s what they do. Poling for a poler is not a special occasion thing, or something to be done only when you’re in a great mood).
2. Taking it easy can be more effective, motivation-wise, than believing you have to always kill yourself
So sometimes you have to negotiate with yourself. “I’m tired, I’m hungry, I don’t feeeeeel like it”<——says your brain. This is when you have to put on your executive branch hat and start bribing (I’ve been watching House of Cards, can you tell?). What needs to be done for poling to happen?
For me yesterday, I needed to leave work a few minutes early, take a long walk, and call my dad and cry. I also permitted myself a large Powerade, and told myself I just had to get THROUGH the class–I didn’t have to necessarily achieve anything.
3. ….because once you start, you’ll probably go hard anyway
10 minutes into class I was like LOL I love this, why was I going to skip? WHEEE.
4. Classes are expensive, which can weirdly be a good thing
I mean, if the class had cost 5 bucks, I probably would have wussed out and gone home. But 1.5 hour classes at my studio are $40 a pop. Granted, I blew my last paycheck on a package so it’s a bit less, but, it still would have been a substantial loss. Cheapness: the great motivator.
5. Going to your damn class can actually be a form of self care
I was probably just going to go home and heat up frozen french fries for dinner because WAAAAH, it’s hard to do life.
Instead, through making the simple decision to JUST GO TO MY DAMN CLASS, I got some exercise, learned a new routine, socialized/laughed/smiled, and had a lovely stretch. The difference in outcomes would have been something like “becoming a crumpled ball of carb-induced depression” vs. “feeling like a person, and, oh snap, a grown up, even though it was a bad day.” It’s a good feeling. It sets the ball rolling on all kinds of other positive life choices.
SO ANYWAY.
What do you guys do on off days? Where do you draw the line on allowing yourself to skip a class? Have you ever pushed yourself to the point of throwing up while working out?
Funny story–I once was considering going to a flexibility class that was a bit late on a Friday night. To kill time after work, I went to happy hour with a couple of colleagues, still not sure whether I would actually go or not (I hadn’t signed up). Two beers in, I decided that, with a little over an hour before the class would start, damn it, I was going to that class! Hooray for alcohol-induced resolve.
I made it through about 45 minutes (of a hellish 1.5 hours) before an extended downward dog sequence had me feel seriously green. I ducked out of class for a few minutes until I felt better. And yeah, happy ending, I did feel better: I ended up going back in and finishing…. but not before reading–WITH INTENSE SHAME–a sign on the door that explicitly said, “NO ALCOHOL BEFORE CLASS.”
Whoops.
Yeah, that was the last time I ever did that. I was nowhere near drunk that day, but having experienced the dehydrated and general woozy feelings, I can safely say that having any alcohol flowing through your veins for exercise is a terrible idea. It also feels very unpleasant. Just saying.
Let’s talk about finding studios. I have a patented bullshit scale for myself that you might find helpful! First, a soundtrack for this post:
(Chris Brown is NOT having any of your bullshit in that album art.)
Second: let’s go over kinds of bullshit you might encounter when trying to find a studio to suit all your poling needs:
1. Yoga Bullshit
This is not a standard I apply just to pole studios, but to bellydance ones as well: there should not be a fuck-ton of yoga in classes for OTHER THINGS.
Yes, stretching, warms ups–important and appreciated. But if we have to stand around with our hands clasped in prayer position or focus on our breaths for more than half a second, I’m going to get irritable. And 20 minutes out of an hour class dedicated to sun salutations instead of spins or omis? No.
No.
2. Cancellation Bullshit
Now by this I don’t mean cancellation policies that apply to you–those are fair, and, as a teacher, I know they’re necessary. I also understand, as a teacher, that classes get cancelled if they don’t fill up, because that teacher needs to be paid.
But when I’m a student, it’s really annoying to plan my day around a class that may or may not happen. More often than not, a pattern in cancellations will make me skittish and seek other, more predictable studios. (I feel bad about this, but, it is what it is).
3. Lack of Class Structure Bullshit
I have a pole at home. If I wanted to pay 25/hr for what’s essentially an open pole class, I would not have hauled ass out into the snow.
4. Environmental Bullshit
Poles too close together. Cattle call classes of 3 girls to a pole. Lack of basic necessities like alcohol or cloths. For how much these classes cost, this type of bullshit is most definitely Deal Breaking Bullshit (DBB).
5. Mean Teacher or Staff Bullshit
I don’t know about you guys, but, if I have to go through a rude front desk person to buy more classes, I will kind of put it off until–OH LOOK, this other studio has a sale… aaaaaand, I’m gone. Same with teacher that make you feel shitty. Again, I’d just stay at home and tell myself I suck. Way cheaper!
Aside form this criteria, I also have more subjective, judgement-call type bullshit categories like 60% of a class dedicated to booty work (nothing wrong with booty work, but if I came to learn new pole stuff, I’m gonna be disappointed), or, general scariness of other students (if it’s laundry day and I only have a ratty tank top to wear to class, and the girls are the shade-throwing type, I might skip it).
These are factors that are very important to me. I’m pretty open to new styles, teaching methods, etc, so long as a studio has as little DBB as possible.
If you’re in the process of choosing your “home studio” so to speak, know that they kind of fall into the following categories, and that to get a full experience that fits your goals with pole, you might need to combine a few (I totally do this).
I realize I’m sort of repeating myself from a previous post on types of pole studios, but I believe a year of class hopping has helped me refine my categories. Here’s how I think they should be sorted now:
1. The Sensual, Mirror-less studio
I think this is a cool idea and would probably try it as a side dish to my regular training. I can see its usefulness in building artistic stuff, or if you’re dancing for fun and not with a goal of performing. I know a lot of people rave about these places. Downside: I hear rumors of extensive freedancing in class (AHHHHHHHHH), and weird intimacy exercises like making eye contact with class members during dances (no nope bye CANNOT DO IT SORRY). I also feel like I’d fall into bad habits by doing what “feels right” instead of checking the mirror… as in, my choppers would not get any less lopsided and my right side would be SUPER STRONG.
2. The Booty Studio
These places are a lot of fun. You’ll probably get a lot of flexibility work in and learn some rad raunchy moves to incorporate into your routines, a la Michelle Shimmy. Downside: If you’re like me, you could get a little uncomfortable with all the head to the ground, butt in the air work. Bonus: there will probably be cool lighting and maybe champagne, and it’s a very fun place to visit with friends. Also, the teachers are usually a riot and very approachable.
3. The Pole-astics Studio
This place is flat out just not as much of a playground as the above studios, but, it’s where I usually put in most of my class time. You’ll probably be forced to do all kinds of awful things like conditioning exercises, doing moves on Your Evil Bad Side, or combining moves. You may be a little scared of your instructor, and you might also be tempted to skip class at the end of a long work day. BUT, here’s your reward: you will see a lot of progress.
How would you guys describe your studio? Do you have a couple you alternate between?
I definitely have a “home” studio I go to because it’s close to my literal home and full of familiar faces, but have a “serious” studio for cancellation-proof training. Is this weird? I also really miss some of the hot floorwork I used to get out of the more stripper oriented classes, so, I definitely think there’s a place for all kinds of pole dancing in our training.
Reenactment of what this girl’s boyfriend looks like. NOT sandwich-worthy. And possibly undead.
Jeeeeeeeeeeeez o’petes this makes me sad.
First, the whole story makes me feel yucky. Guy tells girlfriend, “Babe, you are 300 sandwiches away from an engagement ring.”
Girl “jokingly” starts a blog documenting her sandwich-making pipeline to a rock. Except, how much of a “joke” is this if she’s calculating the time breakdown of sandwich making/distribution so that she can be engaged and married before her mid-thirties?
How much of a joke is it if she’s seriously and in earnest using words like “wife material”? How secure is she in herself and her relationship if she’s freaking out at a pole dancing class because “not looking sexy enough” means her boyfriend is going to look at other girls?
None of this seems particularly funny to me.
Not that I’m being judgy here–I completely empathize with her. But let’s just call it what this whole sandwich experiment is: a tactic to win love and approval from somebody who should already love and approve of you. And that’s fucked up. It’s not cute. It’s not a joke. And if somebody dangles a ring in front of you like it’s some kind of carrot on a stick for you to prove that you’re “wife material,” I’ll have to quote Dan Savage and advise you to DTMF.
As far as this woman’s experience with pole dancing, as a teacher, I can tell you she’s hardly in the minority for crying after. Girls get really down on themselves in beginner classes for not being able to achieve a stripper aesthetic within their first hour. Which is crazy to me, because who is even looking at you? Your boyfriend is not here! This is about learning tricks and having fun, and sweating a little in the process. If you already walked in looking like a rock star on the pole, why bother taking a class? It’s about learning and having fun, not being perfect or using the class as a litmus test for how hot you are.
If there is any man-related sexy to be gained from pole dance, it comes from the confidence you get through expressing yourself. Chances are, as a beginner, you don’t have a pole at home, and no men are allowed in the studio. All you take with you when you finish a class is how you feel. If you come out down and crying over not looking sexy enough, what’s the point?
Oh and NEWSFLASH: most men don’t even find what I do on the pole now sexy. What they really like to see is what I promise you everyone can already do: pop your booty, flip your hair, and smirk like you know exactly what you’re doing.
You don’t need a class for that. (Seriously, try it the next time you’re at a club: make eye contact with a guy, smile, and do a little head roll while you’re dancing. That is NOT a banana in his pants, ladies).
Okay so IRL he has a tan, but STILL.
Moral of the story: if you have a boyfriend, he should love you. Sandwiches are bonus. Pole dancing is bonus. And if you DO want to do these things, for god’s sake, do them because you genuinely want to. Life is too short for crying after class.
OH, just wondering though… can we all speculate as to which studio she went to? Clues: Midtown, and the class is likely called “Climb and Spin”… GO!
So, you guys apparently LOVE sad pole dance songs. Do y’all need a hug? 😦
I was in the car with my lil sis for many hours this weekend, listening to her Kelly Clarkson and Ne-Yo cds, and I heard some surprisingly awesome stuff (that’s also nice and family friendly, as opposed to all the French Montana, The Weeknd, and Drake I’ve been dancing to).
It could just be that her car has huge subwoofer things that make EVERYTHING sound epic, but wow, some of these songs were hittin’ my ears mighty fine, and I was doing some mental choreography for much of the trip.
Anyway, because you guys are all frantically searching “heartbreak pole songs” (yes, I check these things), let’s indulge in another sad playlist! Wheee!
This one is special though: this is special dance prescriptions for all of your I-Just-Got-Dumped needs. I got you, okay? Just keep dancing. We’ll get through this.
1. Kelly Clarkson, Addicted
I wish I were more of a polerina because I would Jenyne Butterfly the SHIT out of this.
For dancing through: utter helplessness whilst treading water in the deep end of your feelings. Just wait till you hear that beat drop…
2. Ne-Yo, Back to What You Know
Good “I FEEL BITTER” song.
For dancing through: feeling superior and above all this ish, duh!
3. Omarion Ft. Wale, M.I.A.
Revenge song.
For dancing through: break up? What break up? Fuck it, I don’t care!
4. Omarion, Ice Box
SPEAKING OF OMARION. Come on, I know this is old, but it’s a killer.
For dancing through: your need to psychologically dissect all the shittiness. (Don’t bother, you’ll never understand).
5. Jessie Ware, Running
This song makes me want to punch myself in the face. But that’s for personal reasons.
For dancing through: that freefall feeling when you run into him and lock eyes. And then you walk away thinking, “Back to square fucking one…”
6. Maroon 5, Misery
Upbeat despair!
For dancing through: when it’s been a few days and you can’t stand love songs, but you’re ready to put away the Taylor Swift for a while.
7. Maroon 5, One More Night
More Maroon 5, for the inevitable relapse.
For dancing through: your sexual needs. DON’T GO CRAWLING BACK THOUGH, OKAY.
8. LeToya Ft. Ludacris, Regret
“You left the best you had, baby don’t look so mad”
For dancing through: self-righteous outrage.
9. Diddy Dirty Money, Loving You No More
Awww, even Diddy can’t buy his way out of feeling crappy.
For dancing through: Reminding yourself of all the garbage you’ve been through. Yup, can’t really do this again after all.
10. Corinne Bailey Rae, Enchantment
Ugh, it’s so HARD to be responsible for your actions.
For dancing through: I CAN’T HELP MYSELF.
Bonus: Take Me In Your Arms, The Isley Brothers
Okay, you DEFINITELY can’t pole dance to this, and it’s kind of a pre-break up song, but it came on my ipod last night and I loved it, so, here ya go.
Take care of yourselves ladies! As my mom would tell you, you are WONDERFUL, don’t forget it. (She also likes to say “be the one that got away,” but that’s easier said than done). Love you mom! I’m being careful with inversions!
Also, come take my class tomorrow and if you look sad or break-uppy I will TOTALLY give you a hug. 6:30-8pm, and be prepared for some crunches. (The best revenge is looking fabulous, am I right?)
The Spin Diaries: Your Guide to Everything Pole and Aerial 