16 times that dancing is the literal worst.

Posted on by Cathy Vandewater

1. When you get a note you don’t understand (what does “quiet collarbones” mean I should do?)

2. When you go over the hard part of a dance over and over and then mess up the easy part in a performance.

3. When your teacher says, “one more time!” for the 900th time and you’re starting not to believe her.

4. When your feet are dirty and you have to put your nice flats on.

5. When “warm ups” are code for “flexibility contest” (it’s a silent contest, but a contest nonetheless).

6. When a sequence is so fast that if you think, you just missed it.

7. When you get multiple notes at the same time and you can’t seem to do one without messing up the other (your shoulders lift when you try to straighten your knees, your feet flex when you try to keep your face soft, AHHHH MY BRAIN IS EXPLODING).

8. When a movement just doesn’t look the same on your body as it does on your teacher’s.

9. When you randomly can’t do the thing you totally did yesterday.

10. When your body just flat out won’t do something and you have little hope that it ever will. (Re: dinosaur arms.).

11. When the floor is too sticky, the pole is too cold, and nothing is working.

12. When you learn a dance in class and try to practice it home but blank out on 3/4s of it.

13. When you’re waiting in line to do something in front of the class that you’re definitely going to suck at.

14. When the teacher calls out a correction for “some people” and you look down and you’re the one who lost your turn out.

15 .When you remember to pack everything except your sports bra.

16. When you only nail it if no one’s looking and you forgot to hit “record.”

Now your turn!

Fired. And other setbacks.

Posted on by Cathy Vandewater

Oy. It’s been a week.

Me imitating Grump The Sheep, who poops brown jelly beans, on Christmas. This face represents my feelings this week.
With Grumpy The Sheep, who poops brown jelly beans, on Christmas. This face represents my feelings this week.

So, exciting stuff, kids: I got fired from my night job as a lifeguard.

As bad as this is, just, even without any context, it’s extra cringe-worthy because I am a perfectionist goody-two-shoes who has NEVER BEEN FIRED FROM ANYTHING, and, I’ve worked there for almost four years.

So I’ve been angstin’, hard.

I don’t think I’ll miss the job (though I will miss the people, I considered most of them friends). I mean, no more shitty towels. No more ridiculous “safety surveys” about diabetes that I have to read and answer multiple choice questions about on my own time. No more endless, pointless emails starting with “Team,” and then follow-up emails asking my why I didn’t answer the email that started with “Team,” fast enough, even though I am AT AT MY DAY JOB RIGHT NOW GUYS and seriously, 12 bucks an hour is not enough pay to answer job-related emails in my off time.

Ugh.

Also, there was the time they demanded all employees have our photos taken and give our background and educational info (“for the staff page of the website”) and then I walked into the gym one day and saw my picture and PERSONAL EMAIL ADDRESS plastered on the wall by the towels and water fountain for all to see. Not cool.

And then there was the day they took away the staff’s  “kitchen privileges” so I had nowhere to store my lunch during a 10 hour weekend shift.

In hindsight: this was not a great loss.

Anyway, in case you were wondering, I wasn’t fired for doing anything awful or intentional. I was fired because a steam room flooded overnight after my shift.  It cost money. I was canned.

I found out that I was fired, by phone, the same day I was given an audition to teach somewhere new. Yay! Until I found out that the month and a half of training (21 hours a week), would be unpaid, and starting wages for instruction after that would be less than I made life guarding. (See the above dollar per hour amount for reference).

Like. Seriously? In case you’re not familiar with instructor wages in the pole world, that’s about a 5th of what studios generally pay. And as well they should–it’s hard work, a lot of responsibility, and as a contractor, the taxes that come out of that are pretty devastating.

I’m all for training and experience, and dancing for the love of it, but, let’s not get crazy–work is work. So, as much as I hate turning down opportunities to dance and teach, I said no. Ugh. I was really excited for a new gig, but, a girl’s gotta eat.

Speaking of gigs: you guys probably already figured this out from the lack of class postings, but I don’t teach at EDC anymore–they decided to go the party route and stopped offering instructional classes. And I just hate standing in heels too much to do parties on a regular basis. So, I’m gig-less. I know. I’m sad too. WE’RE GOING TO GET THROUGH THIS.

Somebody tell me a story of when they got fired and things turned out just fine, please? I feel like such a delinquent.

Love, twirls, and gainful employment,

Cathy

Getting MAD FIT in 8 super weird places

Posted on by Cathy Vandewater

ImageAh, more reasons to love pole. So. Freaking. Much.

I know a lot of people dance to mix up their work out routines (great idea, by the way!), but fitness has always been just a nice plus of pole for me.

I mean… I’m the type that gets really frustrated when my muscles start giving out because dang, I wanted to practice that one thing one more time!

But the weird thing is, it’s always super random muscles that get tired from pole. Last night I had to give laybacks a rest not because my legs were giving out, but because my big toe was cramping.

Seriously?

Seriously big toe? You’re going to play me like that?

As our instructors like to say though, you can’t ignore even the little muscle issues because a toe cramp can definitely screw with your leg muscles, which can in turn screw with your grip.

Which can then screw with your head. Because you landed on it. OH SNAP.

But seriously, cramps aside, here are weird muscle groups I’ve noticed I’m accidentally keeping in top condition:

1. Inner thighs

Okay this is actually pretty awesome. I remember being in middle school and finding out what “thunder thighs” meant for the first time, staring at my legs for a bit, then frantically doing leg lifts out of my mom’s Jane Fonda book.

Eventually though, I realized “spot reducing” is kinda BS, and resigned myself to a little inner thigh chub. NBD, right?

NOT UNTIL YOU HAVE AMAZING INNER THIGHS. Holy crap, trying not to die while hanging upside down from your thighs is like, the best training ever, apparently, because my inner thighs are looking boss. I mean, I guess I’ll take it?

2. Deltoids

This kinda pisses me off, because I assumed that pole dance would trick out my arms. Nope, just the shoulders.

In fact, the contrast between my super tight delts and loose, ever-so-floppy triceps just makes the whole arm situation look worse. Damn you, fiercely toned delts. Damn you to hell.

3. Calves

Can’t pretend to be angry about this. “Imaginary high heels” at all times (ie. standing on your toes) makes for some awesome, accidentally toned calves that look baller in real heels.

Downside: the shame of running in shoes with lifts in the back. The guy at the shoe store was horrified by by my apparent muscle imbalances, so that’s what I ended up with.*Shame*.

4. Forearms, wrists, and hands

This is kind of a do or die situation, really. After I weaned myself off Dry Hands (grip aid’s a hell of a drug!), my wrists and hands had to get stronger… because I couldn’t really spare any more skin rubbing off, and they must have known that.

I mean, I guess my forearms never really looked fat or anything, but I can the difference. I find myself giving very intimidating handshakes. Though that could also be the cray cray callouses I have, that are scary people. Whoops.

5. Obliques

ROCK ON, I love my new side abs! Kinda wish the rest of the abs would catch up, but I’ll take what I can get. I think it’s all the leg swinging, twisting, and wrapping, but I can actually see individual, Bat-man ablets happening along my rib cage. That’s DEFINITELY a pole perk.

6. Upper back

Holy god is all I can say about this. In addition to posture improvement, my upper back is mighty fine in the muscle department. I think it’s safe to say that this is where the majority of effort is coming from in pole, not arms (at least with spins).

7. Feet and ankles

Weird, right? But all the push offs, the climbing, the ankle hook make their mark. I’m hoping this helps with running, since the top of my feet tend to get tired. Is there a word for that muscle? Moving on.

8. Biceps

Okay this is not a weird muscle. But yes, climbing and inverting will tone the shit out of it.

Any weird places you’ve noticed firming up with pole?

How about muscles you WISH would get stronger, to help with dance?

I work with a lot of personal trainers at my day job so I’m thinking of asking them for help with a strength building routine. If they give me a baller work-out, I’ll be sure to share!

Happy twirls!

Cathy

Let’s talk about sex

Posted on by Cathy Vandewater
Nobody does this.

It’s kind of sigh inducing when you say “pole dancing” and people hear “Elizabeth Berkley in Showgirls.”

Let’s get something straight.

First of all, nobody licks poles. Poles are gross. Poles are covered in sweat, rubbing alcohol, and Dry Hands (that stuff golfers use to grip).

Second of all, there’s nothing particularly exotic or sexy about a pole dancing class. I’d say it’s on par with Bikram yoga, as far as the amount of time you spend with your legs in the air, or showing the wall mirrors your crotch. Heya!

It is much more fun though. You listen to hip hop! You spin around at high speeds! You wear heels! (Actually that part sucks. And it’s only sometimes).

But still, only slutty sluts who are slutty do pole dancing. Right? Otherwise they would just do yoga! Those whores.

Let’s set aside the fact that yoga sucks and talk about what pole does for your body.

Actually, let’s not. Let’s talk about why I hate yoga: there are no distractions. Yeah, yeah, I get that that’s the point. But when you’re uncomfortable, why think about it? You’re stuck in an unnatural position for an ungodly amount of time with nothing to detract how irritated and in pain you are. (A sampling of my thoughts during a yoga class: “THIS IS UNCOMFORTABLE. WHEN ARE WE DONE. OH GOD WHAT IF I SUDDENLY HAVE TO FART”).

It may be good for your body, but mother of god, yoga sucks.

But I digress.

Pole dancing tricks you into thinking you’re having fun while beating the crap out of your body. I bet if you were to tell me to do oblique crunches, leg lifts, squats, pull ups, reverse abdominal work, and glute squeezes for an hour, I would give you the Rage Comics “Bitch Please” face. And yet, that’s exactly what an hour of dancing accomplishes, plus aerobic work.

Take a pinwheel spin with an ankle hook, or an extended-leg hangman, for example. (Youtube that shit!). You don’t notice because you’re whipping around a pole like a little kid and generally having a blast, but wow are you busting your abs and increasing your flexibility. True story: doing nothing but desperately trying to make a pinwheel spin look good, I somehow built up the flexibility to so a split in six months. I’M NOT EVEN KIDDING YOU.  It might have even taken less time, but I only recently discovered this when somebody asked me if I could do a split, and I laughed at them–“Haha, no way, look at how pathetic this attempt at a split is going to–OH MY GOD I JUST DID IT.”

That’s a life long dream right there, accidentally fulfilled by pole dancing. I also do zero additional exercise outside of dancing, yet magically wake up with batman abs after drinking or it’s hot out (thanks for the chiseling, dehydration!).

Of course, I’m not exactly objective when it comes to pole dancing, because I’m a teacher now. But all the same, I want you to respect it. Cherish it. And before you talk trash,  maybe even TRY IT!

Why?

  • A. It’s harder than it looks (seriously, give the girls that do this some credit).
  • B. We would all be making much more stripping instead of seriously dancing or teaching…except that we’re interested in seriously dancing and teaching
  • C. Looking sexy while pole dancing doesn’t mean you’re slutty… it means you worked your ass off in practice
  • and D. If you knew how fun it is, you’d be doing it too!

Curious? Consider giving it a spin! (see what I did there? WORDPLAY.)

You can check out some of the classes my studio offers here, and call or email to learn more. Just ask for Cathy! (Or “Britney Spears” or “The White Girl.” They’ll know who you’re talking about).

Hope to see you… happy twirls!

Cathy