1. When you get a note you don’t understand (what does “quiet collarbones” mean I should do?)
2. When you go over the hard part of a dance over and over and then mess up the easy part in a performance.
3. When your teacher says, “one more time!” for the 900th time and you’re starting not to believe her.
4. When your feet are dirty and you have to put your nice flats on.
5. When “warm ups” are code for “flexibility contest” (it’s a silent contest, but a contest nonetheless).
6. When a sequence is so fast that if you think, you just missed it.
7. When you get multiple notes at the same time and you can’t seem to do one without messing up the other (your shoulders lift when you try to straighten your knees, your feet flex when you try to keep your face soft, AHHHH MY BRAIN IS EXPLODING).
8. When a movement just doesn’t look the same on your body as it does on your teacher’s.
9. When you randomly can’t do the thing you totally did yesterday.
10. When your body just flat out won’t do something and you have little hope that it ever will. (Re: dinosaur arms.).
11. When the floor is too sticky, the pole is too cold, and nothing is working.
12. When you learn a dance in class and try to practice it home but blank out on 3/4s of it.
13. When you’re waiting in line to do something in front of the class that you’re definitely going to suck at.
14. When the teacher calls out a correction for “some people” and you look down and you’re the one who lost your turn out.
15 .When you remember to pack everything except your sports bra.
16. When you only nail it if no one’s looking and you forgot to hit “record.”
If it looks like I’m dancing through debilitating back pain in this video, it’s because LOL, I am. More on that later.
I was really into this choreo (and this SONG, mah gawd), but it’s super fast, so I sadly shit the bed with most of it. I mean, there’s only so much you can learn in 45 minutes. But I totally have this song on my ipod already and I can’t wait to practice it more when my pole is up, so, we’ll see if it gets better!
The pole tricks in this one are a fan kick, 2 gallops (variations on chair spins where you walk your legs), a juliet spin, and a “switch split” which I’d never done before–you lead with your outside leg and then kick it back as you bring your inside leg forward in one quick snap. Pretty snazzy!
Aside from that I was LOVING the locking (which I never get to do, wheeeee) and a little moonwalky-sequence. There is also some mild twerking in this video, so hide yo’ wife, hide yo kids! Again, I was dancing through some pretty intense low back pain, so, sorry if this looks a little geriatric.
Tatiana–the instructor filling in for Kelly and the choreographer for this bit–is the one in the white top, so please refer to her for how kickass this SHOULD look.
I left my 50mm at a friend’s house because his apartment is huge so he was going to let me shoot so tricks there. Buuuut we misjudged his ceiling height and have to order an extension. So, it’s chilling there because I am not paying for another $20 cab ride to get it home again.
Meanwhile, I finally got around to putting together my new 45mm this weekend (WHEEEE) and discovered it’s missing the connecting insert for the top dome.
I am currently making this face: 😐
Anyway, let’s talk about people I’m stalking on social media right now.
First, THIS GUY.
You may remember Paul his earlier work: playing the clarinet on the pole:
He also plays sax.
Just, the whole concept of casually playing a musical instrument on a pole? Love it. It’s also awesome when people are funny, but also obviously very skilled.
And then there’s THIS girl, who I saw on Huffpo (I typed just “Huffpoo–Freudian slip?!) and then immediately watched all of her videos on YouTube.
At first glance, she just has amazing things to say about being a woman/girl but then LOW AND BEHOLD: my Spidey/Poler sense started tingling and there it is: homegirl has a pole in her house.
Because duh, articulate, hilarious, sexy chicas know what’s up with pole and aerials. Are you really surprised?
Anyway, because I physically can’t pole right now, the universe is being a dick and trolling me with all the excellent pole music. So I’ll just dump another song here:
PS. Got my remi sit from a sweet new knee hold combo we did in class the other day–CANNOT wait to show you guys.
You cannot deny the strength of Hedwig’s eyeshadow game.
When I was 16 or 17, my family had DirecTV, which meant we had the IFC channel.
Being artsy fartsy even then, I watched a lot of IFC, even though, being extremely sheltered and Roman Catholic, I usually had no idea what the hell was going on in most of these movies about sex, drugs, and occasionally, rock and roll.
One night, I was flipping channels, and I saw this: one sweaty man in extremely low slung leather pants singing to another sweaty man in extremely low slung leather shorts.
I kept watching.
(Obviously.)
(Because abs.)
(And also, like, emotional depth and stuff.)
By the end of the scene, I felt… heartbroken. I may have had tears in my eyes. And mind you, I still had no idea what was even going on in this movie or who these characters were. That’s how powerful the scene was.
Go ahead and watch this. I’ll wait. And yes, that is Michael Pitt.
I stalked IFC for several weeks after that, always catching the movie at a different time, always hearing a different song and seeing a different scene. I never knew what I was watching, but it was always the most unique thing I had ever seen on screen at that point in my life.
Oh god it’s so beautiful.
My sister bought me the DVD for Christmas, and my parents begrudgingly got me the piano book (though my mom very clearly did not get the whole concept of a guy wearing a wig and did not like it. Her stance on this show is the same as with poling: “Well, whatever makes you happy, Cathryn).
I taught myself to play the ballads and sang along to them as my rebellion. Yeah, I know. I was a really good kid.
It wasn’t until college, when I did my final project for a musical theater class on Hedwig and the Angry Inch that I even realized that Hedwig was an Off-Broadway show before it was a movie
So imagine my pee-your-pants excitement then, when I found out–while living in New York City, as I had always dreamed of as an artsy fartsy 16-year old–that Hedwig was coming to Broadway as a revival.
Also, imagine my hatred for Neil Patrick Harris, celebrity alone was hiking up ticket prices and selling out the show for months.
Fuck you, NPH. (JK, you’re so talented!)
FINALLY, he threw deuces, and Andrew Rannells rolled up. At long last, I got to see this show.
Hey Andrew, thanks for the super creepy photo I took of you without your permission! Sooooorry.
I won’t bother trying to describe what finally seeing all these songs I knew by heart performed live, but, it was great. And it ALSO reminded me how much I love this one song “The Long Grift” that is in the show, but was cut from the movie. (…which I was able to find anyway at age 16 because I had excellent Kazaa skills).
It’s Hedwig’s song: it’s a sad ballad about getting abandoned by Tommy Gnosis. But in the stage show, Hedwig’s too distressed to actually sing it. Yitzahk grabs the microphone at the last minute as the opening chords wind down into the first verse: “Look what you’ve done.”
Obviously, being who I am now, my first thought was, MY GOD, I HAVE TO POLE TO THIS. Even sitting in a darkened theater watching a live Broadway show. I know, there’s no hope for me.
So, I’ll just leave this here… (in a link too, in case the embed code doesn’t work, which I suspect it won’t).
Oh and here’s me and my sister after the show with FOUR autographs, including Andrew Rannells and Lena Hall (who’s the killer voice on “Grift.” Mission fucking accomplished and then some.
Hedwig reminding us to Never Forget on our ride home.
Today in Things Everybody But Me Probably Knows About: PoleFreaks.com has routines (with breakdowns!) that you can download for free after signing up for their newsletter. This is a pretty awesome alternative to pole choreo classes that many people might not have access to. It’s super fun to work on a routine at home, if you have a pole. And most of the moves appear to be beginner level, at first glance. Get on that!
They also have workouts that cost a small amount ($3.99) which is something I might look into when my class cards run out and Christmas shopping has got me hella poor.
Sorry if this came off as an advertisement–I genuinely just found out this existed and thought it seemed like an awesome resource. The blog looks interesting too!
Anyway, I know I’m being really naughty about writing pole posts, so here’s a party favor for stopping by:
SONGS I AM CURRENTLY DESPERATE TO POLE TO:
Again, this is kinda-sorta a half ass attempt at blog hopping. I need to get on that…
1. TeeFLii feat. 2 Chainz, 24 Hours
This is sexy, but upbeat enough to keep me choosing the cute creative moves over endless hairflips and body rolls.
2. James Blake, Retrograde
I saw one of my (belly dance) teachers perform to this recently and it actually brought tears to my eyes. Understated but gorgeous song.
3. Tinashe, 2 On
Yes this is all over the radio, but it’s so. fucking. smooth.
4. Jeremih, All the Time
Another one all over the radio, and yes, it’s filthy. Sorry. This is a good rolling on the floor jam.
5. Misery, Maroon 5
Okay clearly this one is as old as the hills, but it popped up on my ipod the other day and I realized it would be for some really dynamic, story-telling choreo.
OMG and one last thing–can we talk talk about Nicki Minaj’s chair choreo at the VMAs? I know everybody was all about Beyonce, but I’m way more into the moves from the Anaconda set. She was CRISP LIKE CELERY on those tick-tocks. Love it.
Here’s the video a couple of scrolls down on Jezebel because Amtrak thinks MTV.com will be porn.
Hi Ladyfriends! As I write this, it’s a half hour until midnight, which kicks off the day that I turn 28. I’m going to try and finish this post before midnight, which means it will probably be a little unpolished. Bear with me!
I wrote the post as a way of feeling more in control of my life than I actually was.
Here’s what happened: I had just been dumped. I was floundering. I called my sister–who had her hands full with a new baby–and asked if I could possibly visit her in Massachusetts for a few days. I didn’t tell her that I was heartbroken and scared and miserable, and that the prospect of being totally alone on my birthday was motivation for suddenly wanting to come out to her house by myself for the first time. But my sister took it all in stride. She and her husband gave me a ridiculous unicorn card and baked me a cake. I spent time with the baby and forgot to feel sorry for myself.
It kicked off a year of action for me.
Reaching out is not a normal behavior of mine. Nor is sucking it up and doing something I know I need to do when I’m not feeling right. My normal behavior is to baby myself and hide until I feel stable enough to be around people again.
I guess you could say that stopped on this day last year, when depressed-to-the-point-of-nausea, I got on a train anyway.
I came back almost a new person. I had discovered something: I can do things even when I don’t feel like doing them. o
That simple idea was so powerful that, on a minute, case-by-case basis, it changed my life.
The cake and card last year
Here were the circumstances:
1. I was still in love with my ex.
Actually, I am still in love with him. It seems like a year should have fixed that, but, it didn’t. Life goes on anyway. I loved my ex, and I went on dates. Seem contradictory? It is. That’s the helpful part.
2. I wasn’t hungry and was too tired to face anyone or go to class.
On class days, I felt this way, but I still signed up for class and made myself eat so I’d have energy to dance. I was too sad to talk to anyone, but I talked to people. I smiled. It was hard for a few minutes, and then it got easier. I left class and got sad again, a little, but not as sad as when I went in. And nowhere near as helpless.
3. I was too poor to take a financial risk like switching jobs. Too many other changes were happening for me to emotionally handle a new workplace. I went on interviews anyway.
I’m not saying it wasn’t very hard. I had a full blown panic attack in the car on the way to my first day at my new job with a new company under a new title. I worried I would suck and be fired. I worried that if that happened, I wouldn’t be able to pay my rent. I worried I would miss my old coworkers too much. I dried my tears and went in and shook hands with 30 new people anyway.
I do miss my old coworkers. But I also love my new ones. I’m also better at this job than the last one, and I make enough money to get a gel manicure just because I fucking feel like it. (*pauses to admire nails*)
4. I felt worthless, and I treated myself like I had worth.
I ate well, exercised, dressed well, and stopped giving attention to people who treated me badly. I made a effort with people who were kind and consistent, and who made time for me. I worried about boring people, but spoke anyway. I have a best friend now, which is not something I could say a year ago, despite having a roster of friendly exes and umpteen acquaintances.
5. It was all too much to handle, and I handled it.
Eating cake a day early today! If you look closely, you can see the cake says “Happy 28th Birthday Bitch” (my little sister Rachel decorated)
It still is more than I can truly control. It might always be. But there’s nothing like the peaceful feeling of knowing you can manage it all in bite size pieces, as it comes.
Maybe the best part of getting older and having had enough experiences to potentially jade you is, you accept that you can’t ever control certain things. That’s where I was at last year.
But this year, the other half of that lesson came into play: I learned to take responsibility for the things I can control, and to cling to those responsibilities when I want to panic and hide from life.
Maybe everything will be fine, and maybe it won’t. Go to class anyway.
Anyone who has ever asked me this, please see the following:
1. I am not that pretty.
Listen, I am okay with this. I have a lot of other things going for me! But nobody wants to look at my face that much. Not even me. And I like my face as much as anybody’s going to, probably.
2. My life is not that pretty.
I live in New York. Things are dirty. My days are long. Ain’t nobody got time to artfully arrange shit to hide the less attractive aspects of a situation. My apartment is small and the paint is peeling. I saw a roach in the sink yesterday. It takes a lot of time to make things look Instagram-ready and not crime-scene-gritty, and it’s time I don’t have and won’t spend.
3. I don’t need you to think my life is pretty.
I saw a guy wearing a black shirt that said nothing but the word “STRUGGLE” in white. It actually made me stop walking, which is saying a lot for a New Yorker.
Struggle. Like, that’s real. The struggle is what I have to show for myself. It’s getting up every day and doing the thing you know you’re supposed to do to get 24 hours closer to what you want. The struggle is not pretty. And if you’re doing it right, it doesn’t leave a lot of time to artfully hold your Starbucks iced coffee in a way that showcases both your manicure AND your engagement ring, as well as the graffiti in the background on the sunny street in Williamsburg you’re on.
4. I don’t want to be the person taking 15 pictures of everything
Once, I went on a third date. Well, it was sort of a date. I was invited to “hang out” with a new guy and his friends. Which was fine! I was a little unsure of the guy, and I thought it might be nice to make friends, even if he and I didn’t hit it off romantically.
The point of this story is, we went to this beautiful little bar in Koreatown, at the top of a hotel. It was artsy and cool–like, armchairs, fireplaces, and paintings on the wall cool. Of course, a picture might have been nice. Just one. But for the next hour and half, everyone in this group (including my date) completely ignored each other to 1. change places and pose next to a different person, 2. take several versions of the picture, 3. look at the version of the picture, 3. post them online, 4. rinse and repeat.
OMG IT’S BLURRY BECAUSE WE’RE HAVING SO MUCH FUN WE CAN’T FOCUS THE CAMERA OMGOMGOMG
Not only was I bored, I was embarrassed. I don’t know about you guys, but when I’m in a beautiful, sophisticated place, I usually want to feel rather grown-up and refined myself. That’s the pleasure of going to beautiful, sophisticated places. And being surrounded by That Group shamelessly taking 500 selfies was… yeah. And I didn’t get to have a single conversation with anyone. Not even my date–who was constantly getting up to pose, and then re-asking me, “So how was your weekend again? Oh yeah, that thing you mentioned… wait, I’ll be right back.”
The kicker: I saw the pictures on Facebook the next day, and before I realized what I was looking at, I felt a pang of jealousy. Gosh, I wish I had a “group” to go out with–they’re having so much fun! Look at everybody laughing! What a gorgeous bar.
And then I remembered that I had been there, and it was terrible.
Here is another night I took a lot of pictures (see blurry photo above).
OMG I’M IN A CLUB THIS IS MY SHOE
Again, I was with a group of “picture takers.” It was one of the more miserable nights of my life, because the guy (not pictured) in the background was someone who had unceremoniously dumped a month or so before, and I was trying to be the “cool” girl who didn’t care, and could still hang out with all our mutual friends!
About 45 minutes later I got into a cab crying because he hadn’t so much as looked at me all night. My finest moment? Nope. But that’s the reality behind the picture.
5. How things look is not that important. No seriously.
I especially want to underscore this for pole dancers–or people who want to try pole!–but are concerned they aren’t the right weight, body type, etc etc etc.
I actually saw someone write something about me on another site, that they liked how I wasn’t too skinny, and yet, OMG, I was still poling! #brave
On the one hand, I get it: there’s not a whole lot of normal-looking people doing this. On the other hand, it makes me ask myself–why did I think I was allowed to pole, as is?
Who gave me permission?
Should I have lost a dress-size first?
Maybe nobody wants to see a 142-pound person dancing on a pole.
And then I remember: I DON’T GIVE A FUCK.
Maybe I’m too fat. Am I going to stop poling? Hell no! I love it. It makes me happy. It lights a fire under me.
But if I were to pole on Instagram, that would be entering a much more intense arena of snap judgement than I think I want to deal with.
So I was complaining to my guy friend about guys who post dic pics as their profile pics on Tinder.
I mean… it’s not cool. You’re swiping away, expecting to see faces, and then, oh hey, it’s a penis.
Not.
Cool.
I wasn’t ready to see that, ya know?
So anyway, he said I should swipe yes and then send them this song, and I. Am. Dead.
Isn’t that cute, an extra belly button! You need to put your pants back on, honey.
So anyway, I’ve been wicked sick (bronchitis, holla!) and thus woefully long off the pole.
But… I may have gotten myself an early birthday present of a 45mm X-Pole!!! WHEEEEE.
I’ve just started learning really shitty, ugly handsprings with one hand on the floor (!!!!!), so I’m really excited to work on them at home with this thing. Cause we all know 45=MUCH GRIP, SO EASE, wow.
Pole stuff aside, how’s everybody’s summer going? I finally did my first truly summery thing of the year by hitting up Coney Island (yes, I skipped class and I felt very guilty about it) and it was awesome. They have a new roller coaster!
I’m the one waving my arms in the back row like a crazy person. Hey if it’s your time to go, you might as well GO, you know?
I also tried one called the Soarin’ Eagle that you LAY ON YOUR STOMACH on. Horrifying stuff. Here’s some snaps!
I think I wrote before about how I was struggling with what felt like a contemporary style in my poleography pole classes (Body and Pole choreography class, holla!), and I finally feel like I’m starting to get with the program!
I was struggling with taking myself/my movements seriously when they weren’t sexy, and oddly enough, I think ballet has built up my confidence with this. (Yes, I started taking ballet once a week because, while I sadly let my Groupon for a Real Dance Studio expire, my gym has a class taught by an excellent, real ballerina… that is totally included in my membership. She’s 100% legit–constantly correcting our form (nicely) and telling us how movements should feel–and I LOVE HER.)
So now that my head is chock full of “PULL UP” and “LINES” and “GET ON YOUR LEG” it’s easier to turn off the part of my brain that helpfully narrates my dancing with “OH SHIT OH SHIT I LOOK STUPID.”
Progress!
So anyway this isn’t anything particularly graceful, but I was feelin’ it and I think it shows.
I’ve been thinking a lot about the past year (probably because of that mid-year review blog hop going around), and how this was the year that I just kind of threw it on automatic. These days, I don’t think about it too hard–I just get my ass to the gym. I just stretch after every workout. I just go to the studio for pole twice a week and ballet once a week. I just. fucking. do it. And I stop immediately checking for results every time I do, because it’s a lifestyle, and I’m down with that. As they say in the ballet world, love the pain.
And you know what? I’m starting to see huge, permanent changes in my dancing. My lines are better. My flexibility shows. My hands and feet aren’t “dead,” even when I forget about them. These are huge wins for me!! It’s those things that make the difference between “looking terrible while learning choreo and then kind of making it passable” and “looking OK while learning it, then making it beautiful and emotive when it’s mastered.”
This is going to sound weird, but my body-mind connection is getting stronger too. Now, when I think about a movement I want to make, what I see in the mirror or video usually resembles what I WANT to see. I cannot stress enough how much this was not the case before. I would practice at home for hours thinking a routine looked great and then not even recognized the choreography once I saw myself doing it on tape.
These are small things that feel important to me because they’re real changes. I’ve learned tricks and then lost them a few weeks later, but these skills feel “for good.”
I hope.
Haha!
What changes have YOU made this year? What were your biggest accomplishments? Let’s pretend it’s still July and blog-hop this bitch!
Footnote: My older sister had The Score back when it came out on CD and I remember listening to it (at age 10) and thinking I was going to learn everything I needed to know about being cool from playing it over and over.
At age… 24? 25? I found Leigh Ann on YouTube after seeing some pole dancing in a movie and searching–ingeniously–“pole dancing.” I completely fell in love with her movement and believed I could learn everything there was to know about being graceful and sexy by playing her videos over and over.
The Spin Diaries: Your Guide to Everything Pole and Aerial 