I wonder what would happen if I practiced every day…

Just a thought. I would probably get better, right? This might make a good 30 day challenge, a la 100 Sandwiches, but less sad and offensive.

I FINALLY put up my pole this weekend–after tons of drama with a missing top insert and a faulty X-joint, and it was kind of stupid the amount of progress I made just doing stuff over and over for an hour.

Here’s some clips of shit I was working on, including struggling into something resembling a floor handpring and patenting The Sad Juliet Spin. I probably didn’t invent it, but can I name it tho?

I was also working on chopsticks—OW OW MY RIBS–and hands free back bends (the power of Indian Burn compels you!!) but I can’t show you them because that was from practicing before my evil neighbor came home and thus I was listening to music at an audible level that got my video banned from YouTube 😐

PS. If you’re been wondering where I’ve been for like a month, I had a big show I was rehearsing my buns off for with my bellydance troupe for a show call Rakhasa (sp?). We don’t have a video of the performance yet, but here’s a teeny snippet of an early rehearsal that I’ll probably get in trouble for showing you, whooooops. I’m in the blue tank:

And here are some pictures of the show, wheee:

Oh and one last thing…. does anybody get why this is funny or do I have the world’s most obscure sense of humor?

My bank constantly calls to remind me I’m poor, so I put its number under “Yo Bitch.” That way every time I see my missed calls I get a little chuckle. Anyone? Anyone?

yo bitch

Sh*t Pole Studios Say: In Solidarity With Nina Reed

I just saw that Nina posted something very brave about the conditions at her studio.

I read it, and I felt kind of ashamed, because the same damn thing was going on at three studios I’ve worked at, and I didn’t have the guts to say anything about it. I realize now that it’s not quite as selfish as I thought to push back in this situations, because when you keep quiet, everyone else that works there suffers too.

Did I tell you guys I got fired from my last teaching job?

I did. And it had nothing to do with my teaching. In fact, I was mostly teaching parties, and each and every one ended with requests for dates and times of my normal classes so they could come back and learn more.

I was having a blast, my students and parties were coming back for more–but strangely, no matter how many photos the girls wanted with me, or requests for my name and teaching schedule I got, or hugs and earnest “thank-yous,” I didn’t receive any tips.

Now, I never expect tips. But, at the other studios I’d worked at, they were actually a part of the cost of a party. Just included in the total package cost. So I was worried I was doing something wrong.

Then I got a look at the party contract. (The owner’s assistant showed it to me to give me information about the party and I kept on readin’).

The Studio That Stole My Tips

Guys, the studio owner was charging a mandatory “instructor tip” on parties the whole time. Funny thing was, though I was busting my ass teaching three or four parties in a row (the balls of my feet would blister) I never saw a dime of my “tips.” There were also explicit instructions not to give the instructor a cash tip, since this was included in the base rate of the package.

So to recap: This studio was charging people an instructor tip, and also banning them from tipping me in cash. Like, just to make sure that I didn’t benefit from my hard work at all, in any way.

I confronted the owner and gave him two conditions on my continued employment: 1. instructor tips should either not be mandatory, or must now be paid in cash and presented directly to me (which is the way it worked at my previous two studios), and 2. I would be paid a 10% tip on the parties I had already worked (even though I’m pretty sure the number he collected on my behalf was closer to 20%).

The owner responded by holding my paycheck hostage and accusing me of “extortion” (lol). He also fired me. It took weeks and threats to file a complaint with the labor department before he finally paid half of what he owed me.

I found out later that he told his assistant–who worked as a bartender/hostess at parties and is an exchange student from China—that it’s against the law in the United States for her to collect tips if he pays her minimum wage. He told her it was her choice to either not be paid and collect tips instead, or make minimum wage (is that $8 an hour now? I lose track), and surrender her cash tips to him.

She chose option B.

I also found out that all my students were being charged a $7 “instructor gratuity” simply for taking my regular classes.

Obviously, this didn’t go to the instructor, but to this day I feel a little sick thinking that my students thought I was ripping them off with surprise fees that 1. weren’t my idea, and 2. were collected in my name though I never received them.

I don’t believe in dragging small business names through the mud (even when they deserve it), but since I feel like clients are getting lied to here as much as teachers, I will happily share the name of the studio with anyone who emails me privately for their own protection. I can also recommend some lovely and honest studios too!

The Studio That Stole the Classes They Paid Me In

Another studio I worked at on a “work study” basis for free classes had me work way more hours than I could possibly redeem for classes (the studio was only open nights, and I had a second job the nights that I wasn’t work-studying). Then, as soon as my work-study time was up, the hours of classes I’d busted my ass for were unceremoniously deleted from our system.

Also, that job was billed as “greeting students at the reception desk and coordinating classes” but turned out to be a straight-up sales job. I was constantly pressured to cold call people who had had parties with us and try to sell them packages, and had to stand on the street for hours aggressively passing out fliers (if I came back with any the owner would yell at me. I resorted to throwing them out if I couldn’t pass out enough).

On the rare occasion that I could take a class, the owner (who taught many of the classes) would book me on top of full classes, so that I was often sharing a pole with her. I didn’t receive any corrections either, not being a “real” student. It was embarrassing and awkward, and not at all worth the hours I put in there.

The Studio That Policed My Blog and Banned Me From Working In the Tri-state Area for a Year After They Laid Me Off

They told me I had to bring in clients and that I should start a blog (which I did, heyo!) but then would confront me with printouts of posts they didn’t like–often nitpicking over a single word. I had to sign a non-compete contract that barred me from teaching pole anywhere for A YEAR after I left the studio (which I fearfully complied with, even after my reason for leaving ended up being them randomly cancelling all my classes without any explanation!) Oh, and re: my classes randomly being cancelled, I found out that they told my students I “went back to school.” I guess they wanted to switch over to a parties only business model, but it would have been nice to hear that from them, not from a former student I ran into at Body and Pole who excitedly asked me what I was getting my Master’s degree in 😐

To this day I’m scared to post any tutorials for simple, basic moves because I’m afraid I’ll get a call from them–since, like Nina’s studio, I was forbidden to ever teach anything I was trained in.

Because the fireman spin is an extremely exclusive move that they probably invented.

Oh and I paid for that “training” out of pocket anyway.

This was very long winded, but I guess I’m just trying to say, Nina, you are not alone. You have my support. This bullshit is bigger than your studio or my studio–it’s a community-wide problem. So bravo on speaking up.

Anybody else got horror stories? I can’t be the only one…

So I tried yoga again and it still sucks.

Warning: UNPOPULAR OPINION AHEAD.

I know you guys love your yoga. That’s okay. But yoga is kind of like pumpkin spice lattes: everybody loves yoga.

So I feel no guilt in proclaiming my hatred for it. Like Starbucks and Lululemon, it’s not going anywhere anytime soon, so my little opinion is free to exist in the blogosphere without doing much harm.

Here’s what happened (because you know there had to be extenuating circumstances for me to take a yoga class without there being a gun to my head): there was a gun held to my head.

JKKKKKKKK.

What happened was, I rode the subway an hour and a half (this was a Sunday, the R train was a nightmare) to the ballet class at my gym that I have taken every week for months, and when I walked up to the studio with my little bun and ballet slippers and water bottle, no one was there. THE CLASS WAS CANCELLED.

*shock, horror, general mayhem*

But even worse, this is not a one time thing. Ballet is just off the schedule. Forever. The class description isn’t even in the brochure anymore.

I. Was. Pissed.

I was also determined to not just get back on the subway to complete a 3 hour round trip on my motherfucking day off for nothing. So I checked the schedule for another class I could take.

The only option: yoga.

Fucking yoga.

And the class was an hour and a half.

So I mentally weighed some pros and cons of the situation.

Pro: this might be good for my back (which has been spasming like a motherfucker to the point where I had to stay home from work on Friday after a simple attempt at shaving my legs threw it out again).

Con: I hate yoga.

Pro: I was planning on stretching/flexibility work anyway…

Con: I fucking hate yoga.

Pro: It’s an hour and a half long class, which would nicely justify schlepping all the way out to Chelsea Piers.

Con: An hour and a half is a long time to be doing yoga, which I fucking hate.

Long story short, I decided to go for it. Some of it was okay–it hurt my back very badly during, but left me feeling much better on the way home–but most of it was annoying and just plain not for me.

Here were my pet peeves.

1. I got in trouble for pointing my toes

Like, okay, I get this. We’re supposed to relax, etc. But I can’t be in a shoulder stand for several minutes just looking at floppy ankles. Isn’t the whole point of this checking in with your body and being mindful of all of its parts? I tried flexing and turning out too, and the yogi called me out for that, too. RARRR. I’M BORED, AT LEAST LET ME WORK ON MY TOE AND TURNOUT GAME.

2. The breathing stuff made me a little sick

The expanding your abdomen stuff? Yeah, did not feel good. Especially when, as a belly dancer, I’ve been trained to use my chest and abdomen separately: breathing fills my chest but does not move it, or my belly, until I actively pop them. This has all been wired in my brain for eight years, so, it was both mentally AND physically very uncomfortable for me (it felt kind of gross and made me a little sick to my stomach).

3. The Ohming

This might have more to do with the fact that my instructor was an old white guy who sounded EXACTLY like the Catholic priest at my childhood church when he sang “amen.” Like, he sang it the same key and everything. Personal association, my bad.

4. The lying on the ground for an indeterminate amount of time

This is partly because I had to pee for the last 45 minutes of class, but ending like this was torturous. Okay, it was MOSTLY because I had to pee. Just as we were crossing the finish line (5:55, SO CLOSE), the silent meditation started. We were just lying there, forced to have our eyes closed, and I lost all concept of time. I could only think about how badly I had to pee. There was no indication of how long the lying in silence would last (maybe this class would run over 10 minutes, OH GOD), so I began to freak out that it was going to go on forever, and I would either have to pee myself or be the girl that got up in the middle of a silent meditation and yelled “I have to go to the bathroom!!” as she ran out.

And then I could never go to my gym ever again.

5. It’s so goddamn serious

I fell out of a couple of poses and cracked a smile, and every time, the instructor glared at me. What even is this? Also, people definitely audibly farted a few times and it was just so awkward to sit in perfect silence while it happened. Cannot take the solemnity, sorry.

Anyway, for all of my complaining I probably WILL go back, because I think it helped my back a little, and also because there was a hot guy in my class. I’m only human, people.

So how do you guys feel about yoga? Has anybody ever tried yoga pole? Because my friends just told me about it and I have a feeling it would be a vast improvement on this Hatha ish.

OH PS: new favorite pole jam. Kid Ink and Tinashe? Yes please.