Are you a basic (pole) bitch? 4 irrefutable signs

Posted on by Cathy Vandewater
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The answer to many questions in life.

I’ve been thinking about the topic of basic-ness in recent days, and the answer (for me) lies in this brilliant T-shirt.

It all started with this poignant video.

And then read I this article defending Basic Bitches. (My opinion: Britney has always secretly been R.A.F.)

Now, for the sake of the community, I have decided to put together a list of Basic Pole Bitch Criteria. It is by no means exhaustive though, so if you have any addendum, please drop it in comments!

Also, if you are unfamiliar with basicness, it as defined (by Urban Dictionary, natch) as the following:

Basic Bitch
1) one who has no personality; dull and irrelevant
2) just an extra regular female
Further extrapolation, I asked my friend Julie who’s really good with this stuff, to give me some examples of things that are basic. Here’s what she said:
-Tweeting that you are at Starbucks
-Owning a Coach purse
-Wearing yoga pants that say “Sexy” on the butt
It took me a while, but I think I am finally grasped my own interpretation of the essence of basic-ness: doing things the way you think other people in your target demographic would do them, in a misguided attempt at having an identity (but you fail because you are a cliche).
I consulted Julie about my use of a free Victoria’s Secret umbrella on a recent rainy day, distraught that it might have been a basic move. That’s when she informed me that the flip-side of basic is doing something that could be PERCEIVED as basic, but is actually a well thought-out means to an end. Using free swag, she informed me, may appear basic (and it would be, had I purchased the umbrella), but since it was raining and the umbrella was free and readily available, its use was instead a “Ratchet Tactic”–the opposite of a basic action, due to its self awareness.
Okay okay, it’s getting hard to keep writing this with a straight face, so let’s move on to the “basic bitch moves” of pole dancing.
Ignore them at your peril! (Or flaunt them, because it’s not that serious and you should do what you want in life):

1. Your favorite polers are Jenyne Butterfly, Felix Cane, and Alethea Austin

Okay so these women are all obviously incredible, but being “basic” is not about having bad taste–it’s about being generic and predictable. Like saying your favorite band is the Beatles, name dropping a poler that non-polers could possibly have heard of is super basic basic. I KNOW I’M SORRY, I DON’T MAKE THE RULES.

2. You’ve danced to Portishead

Wait, wait, don’t tell me–you just want to be a woman.

Girl please, you are a bitch, of the basic persuasion, CASE CLOSED. (Also I am guilty of this).

3. You don’t really dance so much as wrench yourself into poses for the picture

If your sole purpose for poling is the Instagram shot… you know what it is. BASIC. Note: I would be basic as fuck in the this category if I could do anything worth Instagramming.

4. Your booty shorts came from Forever 21

Actually, no, no, my best girl Julie just informed me that using something cheap and totally passable is not “basic” but in fact classified as the aforementioned “Ratchet Tactic,” which is A-OK. Cheap booty shorts fo-eva!

So what’s your status? Basic Pole Bitch? Bad Pole Bitch? Ratchet Tactic Usin’ Beyotch?

XOXOXO

I AM OBSESSED WITH SIDE CLIMBING.

Posted on by Cathy Vandewater

So, a very wise poler told me, “Your butt, or your knees. Only one can be high at a time. Choose accordingly.”

After that, side climb (which until now has been an exercise in rage, frustration, and one-sided indian burns) was CRACKED.

So, I was trying to find a video of some awesome side climbing to illustrate what I’m talking about, but I’m lazy, so all I found was this.

No. Don’t do that guys. Both feet at once, just like the Jenyne Climb. For the love of Christ.

Now, speaking of Jenyne, I know she does some effortless looking side climbing, but again, too lazy to look it up, so GO NUTS KIDS and please tell me if you know hof some youtubage where she or somebody else does a mean side climb so I can come back and throw it in here.

Anywhere, here’s some TIPPPPPPPPPPPZ (read that in the voice of “ERREBODY IN THE CLUB GETTING–) for side climbing that I discovered by doing it totally wrong:

1. Create space between your body and the pole

Do this by bracing with your outside arm (not your inside, because that would cover your face, yo. Your face is MONEY).

2. Stick your butt out

You knew this was coming right? Because literally everything in pole involves sticking your ass out in some way, shape, or form? But seriously, it helps you get your body away from the pole (less indian burn!), and allows your knees to come up for a nice, productive climb).

3. Point your damn toes

Actually this isn’t just about looks (BELIEVE IT OR NOT)–you’re going to need your legs fairly vertical and parallel to the pole to execute your climb that shall be on the side, SO, no locking with your ankles. This also means less pain for your aforementioned ankles. No hope for the tops of your feet, though, sorry!

4. ENJOY YOUR BRUISES, YOU ARE A BEAST

Yeah, this is going to hurt. I’m rocking UNPRECEDENTED numbers of leg bruises right now–on either thigh, behind the knees, and all over the tops of my feet. Also, many on the insides of my upper arms, and on on my wrist. And I love it. Swag.

Other news: I AERIAL CHOPPERED. I can’t wait to video this ish. I surprised myself by doing it while thinking, “this should be hilarious, no chance this is happening–HOLY SHIT I’M CHOPPERING AND MY HEAD IS THE LOWEST POINT OF MY BODY 10 FEET OFF THE GROUND OH GOD OH GOD.”

Any way, the moral of the story is, even when you don’t THINK you’ll be able to invert… apply Dry Hands as though you will, just in case. Because I was slipping and that’s terrifying.

Happy twirls!!!!

Cathy

UPDATE:

Today in SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUPER lazy news, here is the same damn video I posted of Jenyne the last time I wrote about her climb techniques. But hey, she does an excellent (if brief) sideclimb starting near 1:05, so check her out!!!

Longest. Day. Ever.

Posted on by Cathy Vandewater

So, I don’t exactly pole for a living. I have two other jobs… a day job, and a no-free-time-after-my-day-job-job.

In case you’re curious, here’s a picture of my day so far: I worked my gym job from 6-10am (which means a 4:30am wake-up call), and now I’m at my day(re: writing/editing) job, where I just got the call that both my Intro (nooooob) and Pleaser (choreo/heels class) are filled up and on… and taking place back to back.

I’m super excited because classes have been slow lately… but wow, this definitely calls for a 9th or 10th cup of coffee today. Oy vey.

Oh well. I’ve got my heels. I’ve got the “fuck it all” attitude that only sleep deprivation can create. I’ve also got some really, really tight shorts today, so you know class is going to be good. BRING IT.

In other news: PROGRESS!!!! By my 3rd day of practice I’m hitting a static AND a spinning “Jenyne” climb really consistently, and I learned a new straight-leg sit (look ma, no hands! or feet!) that looks sooooo pretty and ballerina-y.

I need to take a picture and send it to my parents so that that’s the image they have of me dancing forever.

Anyway, I’m pretty sore and rather hideously banged up in the inner thigh and foot area, but, that just makes me feel scrappy… so let’s do this.

Anybody try the Ms. Butterfly climb? Hope everybody’s making mini breakthroughs this week.

Happy Twirls!
Cathy

Cracking the Jenyne Butterfly climb

Posted on by Cathy Vandewater

Hey y’all,

Wow, so I got lazy and took like two weeks off of practicing and I’m really feeling it.

You know you haven’t danced in a while when you’re bruising again. Whoops.

I’ve been feeling kinda blue and burned out so I’ve been trying to trick myself into falling in love with pole again. Kinda like taking your spouse on a date, or making your boyfriend speak with an English accent and messing up his hair so you can pretend he’s Rob Pattinson.

I digress.

First I tried my pole on spin mode.  I think I first attempted this for about 5 seconds when I first got my X-Pole and filed the experience under NEVER AGAIN.

Staying on a spinning pole when you’re a rookie must be what riding a mechanical bull feels like. That sucker DOES NOT want you on. Also, Centrifugal Force is a bitch!

This time, I got all smug like, whatevs, I can handle this now,  so I tried again. And yeah, I did better, but, I’m a wimp and I  dizzy quickly.

(I think I’m going to try it for 10-15 mins at a time, just to get used to it and work on staying in control. Because you can get reaally out of control on a spinning pole. It’s kind of amazing, but yeah, a little too difficult and sickening for long periods of time).

Anyway, I decided to pick a couple of tricks/style points to master. I’m still working on my headstand mount, but I’m a little scared of cracking my head open at home without a spotter, so instead, I’m working on style stuff.

My first mission: the Jenyne Butterfly climb. (Sorry it look me like eight paragraphs to get to the point, guys).

If you haven’t seen it… this is Miss Jenyne Butterfly, making climbing look insanely easy (dig it at 0:19).

Funny  how, with her technique (which is in fact more difficult than your average climb), getting air looks effortless. I hate it/lerve it.

Anywho, I’m working on it, and here’s a couple of finer points I’m trying to crack that might help you as well:

1. Push/pull

So basically, with Jenyne’s climb, you’re lifting both legs from a dead hang. Hence, you gotta keep your body from collapsing into the pole as you do this. If you look closely, you can see she has her bottom wrist locked and is pressing her whole forearm flush against the pole. (It took me an embarrassingly long time to figure out that this is what she was doing). This is the push arm! (Duh). The other is the pull arm (ultra-Duh!).

2. Pointed toes

Yeah, it’s really hard to to grip a pole without flexing your inside foot to grab it around your ankle, but the effect is totally worth it. You’re really going to have to rely on the grip your “push” arm is getting, and you may need a little grip aid on the tops of your feet. Test is a few times  with your traditional climb to find the “sweet spot” where your ankle dips in enough for this not to hurt (though I guarantee you’ll bruise, sorry!)

3. Even knees

If you’re used to a one leg-then-the-other climb, it’s going to feel really weird bringing both knees up and gripping at the same time.  I recommend getting into position and just practicing the first lift over and over (switching push-pull  arms!) before you try making your way up the pole.

I hope everybody tries this and lets me know how it goes!

I may have a new bruise collage by the end of this, but I’m not quitting!!!

PS. Classes this Thursday, and another open house is coming up! Check the schedule for more info.

Happy twirls!

Cathy ❤