conditioning for pole

Today in Things Everybody But Me Probably Knows About: PoleFreaks.com has routines (with breakdowns!) that you can download for free after signing up for their newsletter. This is a pretty awesome alternative to pole choreo classes that many people might not have access to. It’s super fun to work on a routine at home, if you have a pole. And most of the moves appear to be beginner level, at first glance. Get on that!

They also have workouts that cost a small amount ($3.99) which is something I might look into when my class cards run out and Christmas shopping has got me hella poor.

Sorry if this came off as an advertisement–I genuinely just found out this existed and thought it seemed like an awesome resource. The blog looks interesting too!

Anyway, I know I’m being really naughty about writing pole posts, so here’s a party favor for stopping by:

SONGS I AM CURRENTLY DESPERATE TO POLE TO:

Again, this is kinda-sorta a half ass attempt at blog hopping. I need to get on that…

1. TeeFLii feat. 2 Chainz, 24 Hours

This is sexy, but upbeat enough to keep me choosing the cute creative moves over endless hairflips and body rolls.

2. James Blake, Retrograde

I saw one of my (belly dance) teachers perform to this recently and it actually brought tears to my eyes. Understated but gorgeous song.

3. Tinashe, 2 On

Yes this is all over the radio, but it’s so. fucking. smooth.

4. Jeremih, All the Time

Another one all over the radio, and yes, it’s filthy. Sorry. This is a good rolling on the floor jam.

5. Misery, Maroon 5

Okay clearly this one is as old as the hills, but it popped up on my ipod the other day and I realized it would be for some really dynamic, story-telling choreo.

OMG and one last thing–can we talk talk about Nicki Minaj’s chair choreo at the VMAs? I know everybody was all about Beyonce, but I’m way more into the moves from the Anaconda set. She was CRISP LIKE CELERY on those tick-tocks. Love it.

Here’s the video a couple of scrolls down on Jezebel because Amtrak thinks MTV.com will be porn.

<3<3<3

I’m not a little bitch, I swear.

The description for the class (at my favorite pole studio) said that “Acro” was great conditioning for pole, and would smooth out transitions and floor work. Perfect, right?

It was also a Level 1 class, so I was like, “Mkay, I’m not going to know what I’m doing, but I’m a fit person, I can handle this!”

LOL WRONG.

SO WRONG.

Here’s the thing: I have tools for approaching most forms of dance or exercise. I know a few things about body alignment and positioning, posture, and safety (using core to protect the back, keeping shoulders retracted, tucking the chin to protect neck and head while inverted).

But some stuff, I have no way of approaching. It disorients me. I have no idea what “right” feels like, or looks like, and it’s so jarring and unfamiliar and dangerous-feeling that I’m just totally petrified by it.

There is one category that singularly encapsulates these types of movements that terrify me, and they can be contained by one word: Gymnastics.

Let me throw out a few other words and phrases to define my terror:

-All my weight on my hands? But that’s what feet are for.

-You want me to fling myself through the air with my head being the closest thing to the ground. oh…kay. On purpose????

-I don’t want to put all my weight on my head, even if I can use my hands. That’s how breaking necks happens, yes?

-I can’t jump over my own leg. What? How? I don’t… what?

Here is a sampling of the exercises we were instructed to do–in groups of two/three, while the rest of the class watched, for extra enjoyment.

-Go into a handstand. Come down. Do a pushup. Pike your hands to your feet. Repeat across the room.

-Lean backwards into a bridge on one hand. Sweep the other hand around and down and lift a leg into a split. Sweep out of the bridge on the other hand. Roll over into a plank position and do a pushup. Pike to standing. Repeat across the room.

-Some kind of new fangled cartwheel that you do a fancy turn out of. (I was so tired and frustrated at this point I couldn’t see straight, so I don’t remember the finer points).

About 30 minutes into the longest hour and a half of my life, one of the acrobats in my class (because really, none of these people doing handstands like LOLthisiseasy could be called “level one students”) noticed I seemed… off. I thought I was doing a good job of covering how close to stress tears I was, but I guess trying to hide my quivering lower lip by taking a sip of water and then dumping my water down myself (because my lip wouldn’t stop quivering) was probably less than subtle.

I think the conversation went something like this:

Her: “Are you okay?”

Me: *blubbers unintelligibly*

And then she went to go get the teacher to help me. Which was very nice, but a new form of torture altogether–the clumsy idiot receiving special instruction from the teacher while froggy jumping next to flawless handstands is not a fun role to play.

I got through class, but, here’s the sad thing: I kind of want to learn these skills! I just don’t ever want to back to this class ever again though. Someone tell me–if people are doing perfect handstands in a level one class with no special help, where exactly are you supposed to start?

And does anyone else have a full body aversion to going upside down NOT on a pole? It just feels so open and terrifying to me. My body literally won’t let me do it.

How do you leaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarn.

(Please tell me).

In other news, the universe is fair after all, because I my first ballet class at my gym (re: NOT a dance studio) and I was by far the most coordinated person in there. Which duh, it was a bunch on non-dancers. But it was really healing for my ego. Updates on my rond de jambes to come!!