burn out

me and rachel lava neon — So I MIGHT be doing a little more socializing than poling right now.

Remember when I was all excited about doing ballet as cross training for pole?

Yeah, I f***ed that up.

But, I have my reasons. A lot has changed.

First, both of my parents got sick–my mom in January, and my dad in March. The Saturdays my ballet classes were scheduled for were spent running home. Or catching up on 3 weeks worth of chores when I stayed here.

Then, our bellydance troupe got a “Come to Jesus Talk” re: our lack of dedication. The solution, our troupe leader decided, was to divide the group into “serious” dancers and “just for fun” dancers. This sounds mean, but honestly, it was kind of the only solution since half of us were religiously rehearsing and the other half were constantly missing practice and in the dark about choreo changes, etc.

Since I can’t stand being second best at anything, I immediately set my sights on landing a spot on “Troupe A.” But M (our troupe leader) hasn’t made the decision just yet. So that means an extended period of really kicking ass in practice and at the two shows we just had (and have tomorrow) has been top priority.

Another change: I got a gym membership about a month ago! The new company I work for is at Chelsea Piers, which has the greatest gym in the city, and we get a discount. So, come on, I could only watch my coworkers leave at 12 to go take a class or run or swim so many times before I caved and got one too. #YOLO.

Okay, I’m going to be honest–taking classes at this gym has made me realize something. Setting aside all my reasons and excuses for not getting my ass to a ballet class, I think there’s some psychological resistance behind it: I’m burnt out on “not good enough.”

As attracted as my type-A self is to discipline and perfection, I think constantly being critiqued in the insane number of dance classes I’ve been taking has been getting to me. (God, I really, really hate admitting that).

It’s hard to be working, genuinely working, and seeing in the mirror that the effort is just not showing because some secondary issue like toe point or flexibility. It’s all part of dance, and critique is part of improving, but, I think I needed a break from all the pick pick picking.

Which brings me to the classes I’ve been taking at Chelsea Piers, which I LOVE. I’m not normally an “exercise class” gal. I mean, if it doesn’t look pretty, I’m usually not interested in getting my body to do it. But for some reason, it’s really clicking with me right now. I go in and shut my brain off, and WORK. It doesn’t matter how it looks (though of course, form is important, duh). And if the instructor sees my WORK, he is happy. Case closed. My best is always enough. And then I take the highest-water pressure shower of my life and go back to work exhausted and happy.

This week alone I did 2 abs classes and a “Chisel” class, which is weight training, but so fast-paced that you sweat like it’s cardio. So I haven’t exactly been sitting on my ass… but come 6pm, I have been a little too wiped out to even think about ballet (which only offers classes during the week on ONE DAY. wtf, ballet?). Also, I keep forgetting to bring 2 sets of workout clothes, so there’s that.

The good news is, I think I AM improving my extensions and flexibility. It just hasn’t been from ballet. My Groupon expired, but I should still be able to put my tail between my legs and get the “paid for” value in classes when I can. Hopefully that will be soon. But I’m not gonna push myself.

Meanwhile, like a lot of bloggers its seems, I’ve also been slacking on pole a little. I’ve been feeling a little bored with it. I think I hit that plateau that Leen Isabel talks about–I hit a strength wall and was just not progressing. So maybe a little active away time will do me some good (and I do mean ACTIVE–my jeans don’t fit because my thighs are bulking up. Thanks, squats!)

I’m hoping maybe taking another week to just workout-workout and not worry about dance stuff, aside from Fire Blossoms, will prep me for more advanced pole stuff when I’m jazzed to go again. And I think I will be. Just, not right now. And that’s okay!

What have you guys been up to? I’m sensing a little Spring Fever from everybody… ❤

So, it’s been a strange week.

-I was in Boston, which was GREAT.

-I met a boy, which was okay, and then great, and then meh.

-I got a fantastic opportunity to work on a Bellyqueen show coming up (which is an unbelievable learning experience–BALANCING A CANE ON MY HEAD LIKE A BOSS–but it’s a 6 hour weekly commitment).

And thus… I’ve made it to exactly 2 pole classes in two weeks. 😐

misc-nothing-to-do-here-l

Oh, and then to put a cherry on top of a banner week, in the last two minutes of my 10 hour work day at my gym job over the weekend, I opened a washing machine full of our towels and discovered someone had shit on them.

Like literally.

Somebody shit on the towels.

I have a lot of questions about this, but mainly the situation just made me instantly really tired. Like, seriously? So close to going home and now I have to figure out what to do with an arm full of wet, shitty towels?

(We threw them away, in case you were wondering. But not before I had an existential moment in the laundry room, just staring at them with my mouth open).

Anyway, I’m really focused on learning tons of new choreo for the Bellyqueen show, working extra hours at my nights-and-weekends-job (so I can afford the time off from my day job that the show rehearsals require), and as much as I want to be in the pole studio I’m just so… exhausted. I caaaaaaaaaan’t.

The one class I took last week (SIX DAYS AGO… I HAVE NOT TOUCHED A POLE IN SIX DAYS) was great, but I made it suck because I was mentally checked out. Ie. not trying very hard, giving up quickly, being kind of a whiny pain in the ass… (“it huuuuuuuurts!”)

It’s just that when I’m tired, pole feels felt like one more item to tick on my to-do list before I can watch SATC with a sandwich and collapse.

(NB: My desire to watch SATC all the time when I’m burnt out is extra ironic because Chris Noth lives in the building I work at. So I’ll just look at him like GOD CHRIS NOTH CAN YOU PLEASE JUST LEAVE SO I CAN GO HOME AND WATCH YOU HURT SARAH JESSICA PARKER’S FEELINGS???). Eh. I just want what I want, okay?

Bad attitude, I know.

And yet I haven’t adjusted it. Even now I’m like lol I won’t be able to do a push up in a week if I keep this up, too bad, guess I won’t change anything I’m doing! SANDWICHES AND NETFLIX PLS.

Maybe I just need a lil’ more rest and I’ll be back in the game soon. I hope. If not, someone please help force me 😐

The funny thing is, I’m still poling in my head constantly and finding lots of great new music (playlist coming soon). So until then, I HEARD THIS SONG AND I CAN’T WAIT TO FLOW TO IT WHEN I GET MY ACT TOGETHER: (ps. is it just me or is Marvin Gaye having a moment?)