Are you a basic (pole) bitch? 4 irrefutable signs

Posted on by Cathy Vandewater
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The answer to many questions in life.

I’ve been thinking about the topic of basic-ness in recent days, and the answer (for me) lies in this brilliant T-shirt.

It all started with this poignant video.

And then read I this article defending Basic Bitches. (My opinion: Britney has always secretly been R.A.F.)

Now, for the sake of the community, I have decided to put together a list of Basic Pole Bitch Criteria. It is by no means exhaustive though, so if you have any addendum, please drop it in comments!

Also, if you are unfamiliar with basicness, it as defined (by Urban Dictionary, natch) as the following:

Basic Bitch
1) one who has no personality; dull and irrelevant
2) just an extra regular female
Further extrapolation, I asked my friend Julie who’s really good with this stuff, to give me some examples of things that are basic. Here’s what she said:
-Tweeting that you are at Starbucks
-Owning a Coach purse
-Wearing yoga pants that say “Sexy” on the butt
It took me a while, but I think I am finally grasped my own interpretation of the essence of basic-ness: doing things the way you think other people in your target demographic would do them, in a misguided attempt at having an identity (but you fail because you are a cliche).
I consulted Julie about my use of a free Victoria’s Secret umbrella on a recent rainy day, distraught that it might have been a basic move. That’s when she informed me that the flip-side of basic is doing something that could be PERCEIVED as basic, but is actually a well thought-out means to an end. Using free swag, she informed me, may appear basic (and it would be, had I purchased the umbrella), but since it was raining and the umbrella was free and readily available, its use was instead a “Ratchet Tactic”–the opposite of a basic action, due to its self awareness.
Okay okay, it’s getting hard to keep writing this with a straight face, so let’s move on to the “basic bitch moves” of pole dancing.
Ignore them at your peril! (Or flaunt them, because it’s not that serious and you should do what you want in life):

1. Your favorite polers are Jenyne Butterfly, Felix Cane, and Alethea Austin

Okay so these women are all obviously incredible, but being “basic” is not about having bad taste–it’s about being generic and predictable. Like saying your favorite band is the Beatles, name dropping a poler that non-polers could possibly have heard of is super basic basic. I KNOW I’M SORRY, I DON’T MAKE THE RULES.

2. You’ve danced to Portishead

Wait, wait, don’t tell me–you just want to be a woman.

Girl please, you are a bitch, of the basic persuasion, CASE CLOSED. (Also I am guilty of this).

3. You don’t really dance so much as wrench yourself into poses for the picture

If your sole purpose for poling is the Instagram shot… you know what it is. BASIC. Note: I would be basic as fuck in the this category if I could do anything worth Instagramming.

4. Your booty shorts came from Forever 21

Actually, no, no, my best girl Julie just informed me that using something cheap and totally passable is not “basic” but in fact classified as the aforementioned “Ratchet Tactic,” which is A-OK. Cheap booty shorts fo-eva!

So what’s your status? Basic Pole Bitch? Bad Pole Bitch? Ratchet Tactic Usin’ Beyotch?

XOXOXO

Just in time to completely miss Halloween… is “Scary Sexy” a thing?

Posted on by Cathy Vandewater

OMG I just saw Alethea Austin’s casually awesome new vid on YouTube, and it got me wanting to shake up my dance style.

Current style: Soft, pretty, a little slinky, lyrical-ish with a bit of stank on it (ie: booooootay, in small doses).

Not-my-style-but-I’m-considering-it: Badass, bawdy, agressive. Or maybe emo-dramatic. Or just balls out flexy, sexy, bling blang bloww.

She was scaring people by jumping on couches BEFORE Tom Cruise.
Street cred: she was jumping on couches BEFORE Tom Cruise.

(I’m going to stop now because I’m making up words).

The thing is, I think I’m scared to try stuff from these “style categories” because, pole is pretty shocking to people as it is. Dare I be aggressive? Overtly sexual? Dramatic? In ADDITION to being on a pole? Oh my gosh, I don’t know. That’s… a lot.

Setting aside pole for a second, here’s what I associate with different kinds of “Might Scare People A Little” sexiness:

Exhibit A: Confrontational Sexy

Remember Scary Spice? Who I found shocking and confusing, as a child? She was always sticking her tongue out like Miley Cyrus and wearing shiny, uncomfortable looking outfits! (Actually, that might have been all of the Spice Girls). And in hindsight, it was probably a little racist that they made the only black spice girl the abrasive one that “scared people.” 😐 I need to think about this.

Exhibit B: Depressed Sexy

All those creepy, sad, emo girls in rock videos circa the oughts. They’re all strung out and thin and pale, and self destructive, and possible already dead! Ahhh! Spooky! And also very de sex? I guess? Depending what you’re into? I’m exclusively referring to the Breaking Benjamin “Diary of Jane” video.

Exhibit C: DGAF Sexy

raaaaaaaaaawr
raaaaaaaaaawr

Kelly Clarkson, just, throughout that whole My December period, rolling around in the mud in a wedding gown. Because everyone knows angry hot girls are TERRIFYING. This also includes women who are sexy, but like, for themselves? They don’t really care if you’re feelin’ it, because THEY are feelin’ it? Alethea, Pantera… lookin’ at you ladies.

Anyway, if you were going to be emo/rock’n’roll/heroin chic for a dance, what kind of music would you play?

I was REALLY feeling Alethea’s music, so this is my shiny new NIN pole playlist:

1. I’m Looking Forward To Joining You, Finally

I’ve actually danced to this before–but not on the pole! Bastet did a super creepy duo belly dance to this back in the day. I can’t help picturing lots of rolls and chest pops to it. It’s a very grind-friendly song.

2. Everyday is Exactly the Same

I know I’ve included this in another playlist somewhere, but, it’s worth re-mentioning.

3. All the Love in the World

This one’s creepy and slooooooow.

4. With Teeth

This song is dark, but weirdly boppy and energizing. DIG.

5. The Lines Begin to Blur

ANGRY pole music. You need tall, scary shoes for this.

6. God Given

This one takes a little time to get going, it’s really cool and almost techno-pop-sounding.

7. Capital G

Pretty baby with the hiiiigh heels on… oh wait, different song.

Did everybody have a good Halloween? Piiiiics of your costume or it didn’t happen.

HT/HH,

Cathy

Awesome Interview with Alethea Austin

Posted on by Cathy Vandewater

Love what she says about how pole keeps you in shape while you’re distracted 😀 that’s my MO!

I also second the notion to go slow and listen to your body. There’s no reason to be pushing past your limits right away, especially when you can make basic moves so beautiful. And if you work at extending (or like she says, doing everything “higher and bigger”), you’re still going to be building strength and flexibility, without hurting yourself.

Speaking of hurting yourself…

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HT,

Cathy