stage fright

Is it a matter of context? Lighting? The costumes? The camera taking the photos?

I’ve been working out 5 days a week for a few months now, and the night of this show, I remember feeling really good, totally comfortable in my costume, but a little worried that my makeup was too heavy. During the actual dance I felt connected to the music, fierce and emotive in my facial expressions, and 100% in the moment. Muscle memory is a wonderful thing.

And then I was tagged in photos from the show and I just see BLECHHHHHHH. Why am I barefaced?! Dead in the eyes? And don’t even get me started on body stuff. I’m actually self-conscious now that my arms are too… big. Not even flabby or anything, just, large. Over-sized. Not delicate.

Am I fucked in the head? Because it’s super annoying to spend so much time busting your ass learning choreo, training to stay in shape, and primping for a show only to dread photo-evidence of it forever afterward.

Should I get ribs removed and arm liposuction? Should I just stop performing?

Yeah yeah, I already know the answer: I just need get over it and roll on. But please someone, commiserate with me. What is it about performing that makes everything seem hopelessly not good enough?

Body paranoia aside, I’m pretty damn excited that we got to do a $40-a-ticket show in New York City on a REAL STAGE with REAL LIGHTING. I’ll try to be less of a brat here, because wow, what an opportunity. And I’m so proud of our group!! We really did rally and do a great show, despite last minute choreo and blocking changes. #pros 😉

In terms of pole, though, I can’t imagine doing this someday alone, in a smaller costume, and with literally much higher stakes (if you screw up you FALL, ahhhh). Even without the body stuff (EEK, really, in a bikini?!!) the pole adds so many new variables to things that can go wrong. The hand sweat alone… I can’t even.

Ladies who have done shows, are you prone to photo-induced mini breakdowns? How did you get over it? Do you ever have those feelings right before a show that your choreo is boring and no one should watch it? (I have this thought before EVERY show. Not helpful, brain).

<3<3<3

So I was having a beer with a friend the other night.

After the show! (Re: sweaty, and I took my false eyelashes off :P) — After the show! (Re: sweaty, and I took my false eyelashes off)

Okay a couple of beers.

Okay, four.

But, he has a smartphone (like everybody else in the world, but to me that’s like having Google Glasses), and since he missed the February belly dance show in St. Mark’s Place, we looked up the video.

So, full disclosure, I had not watched the video.

This is not an accident.

I am terrified of this video. K has seen it and had a few mild criticisms (timing was off in a few places, hands didn’t match, she’s very contained in her style and I’m very showy). But every time I think of the show, I think of something the girl going on after us said backstage, as soon as we came off.

“Oh heeeey… that was really…. cute. How long have you been dancing for?”

If you speak dance you know that the translation back into normal English looks something like this:

“Oh heeeey… you guys are total amateurs. When did you take your first class? A week ago or just a few days? Now outta my way bitches, the show’s really about to be on.”

Okay, I’m exaggerating, but that’s how it feels when you’re already nervous to be half naked, you KNOW you blanked out on at least 4-5 seconds of choreo, and you’re having a fat day.

No bueno.

Anyway, I finally watched the video, and I saw some things that weren’t perfect, but I also saw a big smile on my friend’s face.

He liked it.

And you know what? I liked it too. It was cute, damn it.

The best part was, K and I looked like we were having fun. Somebody in the audience kept screaming “ME LIKEY” and I couldn’t help cracking up, which is so awesome and totally visible in the video. I think that’s what I’m going to remember most about this experience: being terrified under blinding lights, feeling nervous and shaky as hell, and then suddenly letting go and laughing at “ME LIKEY.” Because IT IS FUN TO DANCE. Go figure… through all the sweat and anxiety,long hours of practicing and criticizing and agonizing, it all becomes fun again when you share it with people.

Anyway, here’s just a short clip because this isn’t a pole show, but, it is performance oriented, and I learned a lot about enjoying dancing, regardless of perfection. (It’s surprisingly hard to remember sometimes that we do this because it’s fun, amirite??)