quads

So I was at the gym the other night, doing what I always do when I’m “working out”: 60% actually working out, 40% checking out a cute guy.

Now, you guys, this guy is INTO me. I can tell, because every time I pass him I’m all, “Hey,” and he’s all, “…” (he doesn’t say anything because he already passed me).

SURE SIGN HE’S INTO ME, right?

So I did what I always do when I’m trying to get a guy to look at me in the gym: SPLITS.

Okay now, I’m not really sure what sort of message I’m trying to send by doing splits. But they’re definitely attention-getting. I suppose they say something along the lines of, “HEY, IF WE HAD INTERCOURSE IT WOULD LOOK CRAAAAZY.”

Maybe not the classiest message, but, it gets people to look at you! Which is half the battle in this crazy world of smartphones in the gym.

So anyway, I was working my left side. It was a little sticky, but finally I got it going. Looking gooooood.

Like THIS (not the flattest or most squared off I’ve gotten, but not bad considering I was stiff from class!):

Except that the guy was not looking. So, after spending like 15 minutes in that horribly uncomfortable position, I begrudgingly switched to my right side. Because got to at least pretend to keep it even, right?

Of course, this is when he comes in to stretch as well. And I’m all, LOL just kidding not flexible at all.

Damn it legs, you had ONE JOB.

For reference, this is what my right side split looks like. Yes, that’s me squealing in pain.

SO SEXY.

(Just kidding, not sexy at all).

If you were wondering how my seduction attempt played out, the guy did like, one downward facing dog and left. I know, so in love with me, right?!

So seriously, what is up with the split unevenness?

From studying the picture I’m going to go ahead and say my right ham is tight. And also, my left quad is tight.

So basically: left ham and right quad good. Right quad and left ham: shitty. For no apparent reason. Can someone explain this to me?

But let’s get technical, fill me in: how do you guys get into splits, and how do you um… warm into them? (I made that expression up, sorry).

I’ve been working on sliding into it from both legs equally (as opposed to straightening my front leg and pushing back from there, because that’s bad, right?). Hence, the socks for slidin’ around.

I was also trying TGWHR’s trick to push AGAINST the floor as hard as you can for several seconds between sets of pushing into the split and it really works! No BS! I’m also a fan of grabbing the back foot while lunging (pre splits or in between) to stretch out a sticky quad, which really helped. To be honest, this is sort of the best my right side split has ever looked, pitiful as that is, and I think it’s because of the extra quad work.

What’s your good side?

Also, center splits–we all agree, no fucking way, right?

Here’s my best attempt:

The best part of this picture is that I could not be wearing shorts and NO ONE WOULD KNOW.

If someone pushes on my back I’m almost belly to floor, though! Progress!

So where are you guys with splits? Got a good side? Piiiiics if you have them please.

Happy twirls (and splits, and resting with ice packs on your hams),

Cathy

OOOOOOH jesus.

So I read a piece today about this woman who bemoaned her young daughter’s future struggle with body issues, including a recent trend among youngins’ to seek the elusive thigh gap.

This bitch wrote like 3,000 words about why thigh gap shouldn’t be a thing.

Which I respect, but sometimes, paying attention to something retarded makes it more of a thing than it really deserves to be.

So, I did something I really wish I didn’t do: I got curious and Googled “Thigh Gap.”

You guys, there are entire Tumblrs dedicated to stick-ass legs. And e-How guides to achieving them. And blogs where girls cry over NOT having stick ass legs, and describe their self loathing and desire to kill themselves over it.

And all I can think is… really??????? DOES ANYBODY REALLY CARE ABOUT THE SPACE BETWEEN LEGS THIS SO MUCH?

Ladies, your bodies are not decorative. Do not seek out a 10-step plan to starve down parts of your body for a “desired look” (apparently a 1-inch gap is serviceable but a 2-inches is really the money); do not stare longingly at 14 year old Hungarian supermodels, hating your life because you are not gaunt Euro jail bait. Do not avoid physical activity because strong quads will ruin your aesthetic (which I can only assume is “scarecrow” or “baby horse).” These are all things that will ruin your happiness and squander your happy young time. Come on. Don’t do that.

Also, nobody’s looking at your goddamned legs, unless you are in Mean Girls, in which case, make your priority finding some new friends. And hobbies. Because “achieving thigh gap” is not going to be a thing you look back on fondly while reflecting on your life. Like, “God, I’m so glad that when I was 16 I ate carrot sticks for 2 weeks and FINALLY got that thigh gap going.” <====thing you will never think on your death bed.

WHAT IN THE WORLD IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE.

Okay, okay, I feel better now. Here’s a picture of me hanging by my legs and holding a bottle of Dry Hands for no reason. Because recliners are probably impossible with out that wonderful, squishy inner thigh fat. So let’s celebrate it a little, okay? It’s God-given, and you can hang upside down by it. Boss.

Happy twirls! (And squats… and eating)

Cathy